


Thanks Buttercup

by Blanquette



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Crack, Alternate Universe - No Werewolves, Boredom, Communist Propaganda, F/M, Friendship, Gen, Humor, M/M, Texting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-01
Updated: 2016-01-10
Packaged: 2018-04-02 08:45:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 20,325
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4053844
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blanquette/pseuds/Blanquette
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Stiles and Scott's wacky adventures.</p><p>All in texts form.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Thanks Buttercup

**Author's Note:**

> So I'm currently at work  
> Where I'm sitting at a desk.  
> And that's all.  
> Hence, this.  
> I'm sorry.
> 
> Stiles is italics and Scott is bolded italics.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stiles is bored at work and decides to text Scott.

_dude I have like the most boring job ever_

_**worst than when you were just waiting for people to drown?** _

_yeah you know at least I was a bit on edge there_

_**you took naps. Right there in your high chair.** _

_nevermind that_

_I have literally nothing to do right now._

_like the phone rang twice, some guy came to deliver sushi and one dude had an appointment and that’s it_

_they’re actually paying me to text you_

_**so basically it’s your dream job :D** _

_you would think that but I’m so fucking bored_

_**you’re telling me there’s no one to annoy?** _

_you wound me._

_**as if.** _

_well there is this one dude that’s kinda hot_

_**but?** _

_he came by to tell me to stop eating I don’t think he likes me very much_

_**no one likes you at first** _

_you did_

_**no I didn’t** _

_did so it was like love at first sight_

_**did not you just clung to me like a barnacle despite my ignoring you** _

_**you bullied me into liking you** _

_**I probably have Stockholm syndrome.** _

_let’s not discuss our friendship right now_

_**as you wish** _

_oh do you think it will be too obvious if I download a movie?_

_you made me wanna watch Princess Bride_

_dude?_

_come on_

_don’t ignore me >:-(  
_

_you know what I’m doing it._

 

_okay guess what_

_it WAS pretty obvious the guy just tried to kill me with his laser eyes._

_nice eyebrow game by the way_

_DUUUUUUUUUUUDE_

_man  
_

_bruh_

_partner_

_come on_

_**WHAT** _

_don’t pretend you’re busy I know you aren’t._

_entertain me._

_**you seem to be entertaining yourself alright** _

_are you implying that I’m touching myself_

_**DUDE THE MENTAL IMAGE PLEASE** _

_You know you want it_

_OKAY I DID NOT JUST TEXT THAT!!!!!!!!_

_see boredom is making me crazy_

_fucking hell eyebrow guy is back in town_

_wait_

_**what’s happenin?** _

_**dude?** _

_**did you get fired?** _

_**I swear if you got yourself fired I’m NOT helping you find a new job AGAIN** _

 

_calm down he just sat with me and we’re watching Princess Bride together  
_

_**WHAT WHAT KIND OF A COMPANY ARE YOU WORKING FOR** _

_chill he’s on his break_

_**THAT MOVIE IS LIKE AN HOUR AND A HALF** _

_we have a good syndicate :D  
_

_**I can’t believe this** _

_jealous?_

_you don’t like cleaning cat shit anymore?_

_**that’s not what I do** _

_is so_

_**it’s PART of what I do at least my job is useful** _

_eyebrow guy thinks you sound a bit bitter_

_**did you just show him my texts** _

_he couldn’t help seeing them my phone is right there on the desk._

_**and he’s okay with you calling him eyebrow guy** _

_it’s his defining feature he can’t deny it_

_he’s right I can’t_

_**IS HE ACTUALLY TEXTING ME FROM YOUR PHONE** _

_yes_

_**ARE YOU BEST BUDS NOW** _

_it’s the magic of Princess Bride._

_bringing people together since 1968_

_**this movie came out in 1987** _

_I didn’t know you were such a fan_

_**you know I am why is this a surprise** _

_**and did you already forget wait I’m gonna put that in all caps to make sure your new boyfriend sees it** _

_**YOU ACTUALLY DRESSED UP AS BUTTERCUP FOR HALLOWEEN 3 YEARS IN A ROW DON’T DENY IT** _

_I’m not denying it_

_I will let you know that I looked SUPERB_

_blond is SO MY COLOR_

_**IS SO NOT YOU LOOKED HALF DEAD** _

_that’s because I was longing for my prince dude we’re so off tracks_

_**there was no tracks to begin with** _

_**why is this my life** _

_**why am I friend with you** _

_I said no discussing friendship_

_now it’s rude to text while watching a movie with somebody else so please stop I won’t answer_

_**WHAT THE HELL DUDE YOU STARTED IT** _

_**ENJOY YOUR KISSING MOVIE ASSHOLE** _

 

_you can drop the “movie”_

_**DID YOU KISS EYEBROW GUY** _

_yeah and he didn’t punch me_

_which is nice_

_**WHAT DID HE DO** _

_he looked like this -- > :o_

_**wait where did you kiss him** _

_on the cheek_

_**the cheek** _

_**I’m gonna kill myself** _

_what I wasn’t gonna go for the mouth first_

_I barely know him_

_**where is he now** _

_he had to go his break is over_

_**is it though** _

_what_

_**maybe he was running away from the weirdo he sat down with to watch Princess Bride during a fit of temporary insanity** _

_**said weirdo who then kissed him on the cheek without warning** _

_dude :-(_

_you making me feel bad why are you doing this_

_**BECAUSE THIS IS REALITY WHAT EVEN** _

_**WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT** _

_I dunno his head was kind of there_

_**KIND OF THERE??????** _

_did I fuck up is that what you’re trying to say_

_**REALLY AM I?????** _

_**no but seriously what happened after you profaned his cheek** _

_he kinda just went red in the face and stared at me_

_**what didya do** _

_didya???_

_i just like smiled and waved a hand_

_**u waved a hand???** _

_yea then he said he had to get back to work but_

_i SWEAR even his ears were red_

_**you sure it wasn’t boiling anger?** _

_**you know you’re dead right** _

_why?_

_**you’re a GUY you kissed another strange GUY** _

_**WHO YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW IF HE’S INTO GUYS** _

_what kind of dudebro sits down to watch princess bride with a twink_

_**one that doesn't follow gender stereotypes???** _

_plus it was his cheeks the french do that all the time_

_**ARE YOU FRENCH NOW** _

_**no okay you got a point** _

_**BUT STILL HE MIGHT JUST BE A NICE GUY AND YOU TRAUMATIZED HIM FOR LIFE** _

_well if he’s nice he won’t beat me up for this_

_all in all I’m good to go_

_**but you’re working with him dude** _

_I’m eating, texting, and watching movies at my desk do you really think I’m gonna stay there long enough for this to get awkward_

_**it’s already awkward** _

_**but you got another point there** _

_see you need to chill you’re too invested in my life_

_**GEE I WONDER WHY** _

_wait abort mission he's coming back  
_

**_WHAT FOR_ **

**_is he handing you a resignation letter you need to sign_ **

**_he is isn't he_ **

**_dude come on the suspens is killing me_ **

**_Stiles_ **

**_did he decapitate you_ **

**_did he put your head on a stick_ **

**_is he parading the stick around the workplace_ **

 

_man you're sick get your head check D:  
_

**_WHAT HAPPENED_ **

_he gave me his phone number :D_

_I got a date :DD_

**_whaaaaaaaaaaat_ **

_my devilish charms worked again  
_

**_what do you mean "again"?_ **

_D:  
_

**_sorry_ **

**_i'm real impressed dude_ **

**_who would have known_ **

_yea_

**_thanks buttercup_ **

_yup. toldya. bringing people together since 1976  
_

**_IT'S 1987 DAMMNIT_ **


	2. Young Val Kilmer is the Best Val Kilmer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stiles goes on a date with that guy from work.  
> Scott is bitter and a shitty moral support.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm at work again and I'm bored still, so, needed a distraction, I though I might give a second chapter to my texting thingie.  
> (it felt lonely)  
> (and it's fun to write)
> 
> Stiles is still in italics, Scott in bolded italics

_**what are you wearing?** _

_oh gosh mister_

_that is no way to talk to a young lady  
_

_**seriously?** _

_yes I'm offended_

_my knickers are none of your concerns  
_

_**come on Stiles** _

_**now that my love life is shit I need to live vicariously through something** _

_HOLD YOUR HORSES_

_is the great Scott McCall actually using tiny me as a surrogate?_

_**come on play nice** _

_why do you sound so pervy tonight_

_did you not masturbate recently_

_are you that frustrated_

**_okay I'll stop texting you now_ **

_> :-o  
_

 

**_are you on your way?_ **

_yes_

**_are you wearing that awful flannel shirt you like so much?_ **

_yes_

_and it's not awful_

**_what is it then? horrendous?  
_ **

_I'll have you know it's absolutely lovely and complimenting my complexion in the best ways_

_everyone says so_

**_by everyone you mean your father?_ **

_no he said I looked like a shrimp  
_

**_a wise man_ **

_I'm not taking fashion advice from either of you so you can suck it  
_

**_you wish_ **

_did you really  
_

**_yes and I'm regretting it_ **

_good_

_I'm almost there text you later_

 

_DUDE HE'S LATE_

_LIKE HELLA LATE_

_WADDO I DO_

_D:_

 

**_didn't you arrive like 10mn ago?_ **

_yeah_

**_that's not being late that's being polite_ **

_what?  
_

**_you know_ **

_obviously not  
_

**_like the french_ **

_are you mad_

_what do the french have to do with anything  
_

_why are we always bringing up the french_

**_they have that 15mn thing_ **

**_like it's polite to be 15mn late if you're invited_ **

**_cause if the other guy is late then it's okay_ **

_why that's dumb  
_

_how do you even know that_

_oh god did you_

_did you actually learn stuff about frenchies_

_because of Allison_

**_shut up_ **

_you do know only her name is french  
_

_like she's never been there_

_so she couldn't care less about your 15mn thing_

_are you ignoring my texts_

_you are aren't you_

_I curse you and all your ilk_

 

_OH CRAP HERE HE COMES_

_HE'S WEARING A LEATHER JACKET OF COURSE HE'S WEARING A LEATHER JACKET_

_AND I LOOK LIKE A SHRIMP_

_DUDE HELP  
_

 

**_did he laugh at you?_ **

**_i wasn't ignoring you because I'm mature_ **

_haha_

**_already over?_ **

_no he went to the bathroom  
_

**_maybe he won't come back_ **

_why would you even say that  
_

**_cause I'm a bitter asshole_ **

**_so? how's it going?_ **

_pretty good I guess_

_I tried to reign in the stupid_

_I may have overkilled it a bit with the sarcasm though_

_but he's like grumpy mcgee it's so worth it_

**_good_ **

**_don't be yourself too much yet_**

_yeah I know_

_hes comin bck_

 

_:DDD_

**_so i guess it went well?_ **

_yeah :DD  
_

_he gave me a ride home :DD_

**_did you kiss another part of him?_ **

_yea_

**_you frenched his ear?_ **

_nay_

_gave me a peck on the lips_

_and i laughed_

**_why_ **

_nerves i guess?  
_

_tis okay he thinks i'm cute_

_**there's something wrong with him isn't it** _

_gee scott what crawled up your arse?  
_

**_nothing that's the problem_ **

_what_

_is there something i should know about_

_did you switch team while I wasn't looking_

_or are you licking all the plates now  
_

_you know you can talk to me right_

**_THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT_ **

**_but if it was yes i would tell you first  
_ **

_you need to dip your biscuit  
_

**_you have the worst expressions ever_ **

_i take pride in it  
_

_back to what's important_

_so we kissed, no tongues though_

_but that will be for NEXT TIME_

_cause I'm delicious so he wants to hang out again on friday_

**_that's great_ **

**_i'm actually happy for you_ **

**_sorry for the dickery_ **

_that's okay I like being envied  
_

_makes me feel powerful_

_I'M YOUR MASTER NOW  
_

_**don't push it** _

_wanna hang out after work tmw?_

**_yea sure_ **

_i just realized i'm gonna see him at work  
_

_it's weirding me out a bit_

_i mean we were on a date_

_we kissed_

_we exchanged our cooties_

_we shared fluids_

_we rumbled the mumble_

**_stop it i get it_ **

**_go_ _get fired then_ **

**_you can come back clean cat shit with me_ **

**_twas fun_ **

_do you have other good ideas like this?  
_

_you can, you know, keep them buried real deep_

**_you'll be alright_ **

**_you can download willow_ **

_i think it's too long for his break  
_

_i'll go with dark crystal_

**_sure_ **

**_chose the freaky puppets over young val kilmer_ **

_srsly though you sure you don't need to tell me anything  
_

**_no, i do not lust after young val kilmer_ **

_rly? cause i do.  
_

_but anyway I GOT A BOYFRIEND NOW_

_so peace out dude_

_i need my beauty sleep_

_to be beautiful tomorrow_

_for_

_guess who_

_my BOYFRIEND_

**_rub it in my face a bit more i think you missed a spot_ **

_see ya later alligator_

**_are you 5_ **

_YES_

 


	3. Just be like suede, Johnny

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stiles is a walking disaster

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So you know the drill by then  
> Work. Boredom.  
> This one got a bit out of hand
> 
> Also I actually have nothing against suede shoes

_gotta love comics man_

_the girl cut off his arm_

_hacked a hole in his shoulder_

_then he like_

_sew in backwards his decapitated zombie-head from another universe_

_with shoelaces_

_shoelaces you read me_

_and then_

_he put his arm back on_

_but backwards too_

_and yeah_

_unstoppable hacking machine_

_**aren't you supposed to be at work** _

_when did that ever stop me_

**_good point_ **

_do you think there's another universe where we are awesome  
_

_implying we're not already awesome but yeah_

**_i might go on faith here but_ **

**_no_ **

**_no i don't think so_ **

_oh the sadness you're filling me with  
_

_i'm sure in some universe i'm super famous_

**_doing what?_ **

_i dunno, singing?  
_

**_have you never heard yourself?_ **

_okay why be such a sourpuss  
_

_OH MY GOD_

_maybe we're cats somewhere_

**_that's pretty lame_ **

_okay_

_dogs then_

_wolVES_

_WEREWOLVES_

_oh no DINOSAURS_

**_i liked the werewolf idea better_ **

_with your luck i bet if you were a werewolf  
_

_allison would be a lady von hellsing_

**_isn't he fighting vampires_ **

_same  
_

_i bet she would be awesome at it too_

**_what is that implying_ **

_nothing_

_is she still not talking to you because you suck?_

**_is your beacon of love still ignoring you because you suck even more?_ **

_point_

_seriously though it wasn't even that big a deal_

**_dude you almost burned down his house  
_ **

_almost being the key word here  
_

_no but seriously who even HAS a chimney these days_

_and more importantly who would let ME take care of said chimney_

_after filling me with alcohol_

**_strange dudes who live in the forest apparently_ **

_he's not strange  
_

_and it's not a forest_

_**what is it then**  
_

_nice woods?  
_

**_i'm amazed you even went there_ **

**_what if he was a crazy axe-killer_ **

_i had my pepper spray_

**_you have a pepper spray?_ **

_you don't know my life!  
_

**_pepper spray sure is effective against potential crazy axe-killers i'm glad you're keeping safe_ **

**_oh wait no that's not what you do_ **

**_you go to strange houses in the middle of the forest_ **

**_with guys you barely know_ **

**_but you know_ **

**_pepper spray_ **

_shut up he would be the worst killer ever  
_

_everyone knows he knows me_

_plus he slobbered his dna all over me  
_

**_i don't wanna know_ **

_i just meant by KISSING_

**_yea still don't wanna_ _know_ **

 

_dude he just passed by my desk and totally glared at me_

_is it wrong that i find this hot_

**_what is wrong is that you don't seem even mildly concerned he broke-up with you_ **

_we didn't broke-up per se  
_

_and_ _when the firemen showed up_ _he was really worried for me_

**_and then you had to blew it by barfing all over his shoes_ **

_it was all the emotions_

_and all the alcohol_

_there were suede shoes too  
_

_how do you even clean that_

**_so that's why you were calling him johnny  
_ **

_dude since when suede shoes are a legitimate fashion choice in our century  
_

_but srsly i felt really horrible_

_i still do it's just_

_if i don't take it lightly it's the kind of stuff that will make me never leave the house again_

**_you have to be like suede._ **

**_rough, but soft_ **

**_strong, but quiet_ **

**_never wrinkle, never crack_ **

_dude_

_duuuuuuuuude_

_YOU'RE RIGHT  
_

_I HAVE TO BE LIKE SUEDE_

_I ALREADY AM_

_NOT NOTICABLE AT FIRST_

_BUT ONCE YOU DO, YOU CAN'T TAKE YOUR EYES OF ME_

_i'll be the suede to his johnny you just watch me_

**_what are you gonna do_ **

**_you scare me_ **

**_Stiles_ **

**_don't do anything stupid_ **

**_Stiles_ **

**_you're not_ _readi_ _ng_ _these are you_ **

 

_SCOTT MY FRIEND  
_

_in the name of all that is holy_

_i hereby declare_

_that Derek wasn't in his office anymore  
_

**_wait his name is derek?_ **

**_as in derek hale?_ **

_yeah i never told you?  
_

**_no first it was "that guy from work" and then "johnny" and i never asked_ **

_oh_

_well what's the big deal?_

_how do you know him?_

**_DUDE HE'S DEREK HALE AND YOU ALMOST BURNED DOWN HIS HOUSE_ **

_i know that_

_what do you think we've been talking about for the past hour here  
_

**_WELL LIKE 6 YEARS AGO SOMEONE DIDN'T ALMOST BURN DOWN HIS HOUSE_ **

_glad to hear it_

_oh_

_OH_

_OH NO_

_NO WONDER HE'S TOUCHY WITH CHIMNEYS_

_PLEASE TELL ME NO ONE DIED_

**_YES HIS ENTIRE FAMILY_ **

 

**_no I'm kidding_ **

**_no one was hurt but still it must suck_ **

**_he lost everything_ **

**_well everything inside the house his douchemobile stayed intact_ **

**_he knew the girl who did it too_ **

_DUDE DON'T SCARE ME LIKE THAT I ALMOST BARFED AGAIN_

_and don't you insult the douchemobile_

_how do i not know that i'm the one with the sheriff for a dad_

**_yeah i'm so disappointed in you_ **

 

_wow i hope he doesn't think i did it on purpose or anything_

_i'm screwed aren't i_

**_well i hope you know how to bake a damn good cake_ **

_as a matter of fact i do not_

_and if i baked him a cake for burning down his house it would have to be, you know, a magic cake  
_

**_you bite the cake and the cake comes to life?_ **

_something like this  
_

 

_wow rude_

_some girl just passed by my desk, looked at me and shaked her head_

_she's going in johnny's office!_

_what!_

 

_she's still there!_

 

_i'm not agreeing with this!_

 

**_maybe he's on the rebound_ **

_already?!_

**_well did you look at him_ **

_i though young val kilmer was more your style  
_

**_it is_ **

**_have you seen those lushious hair_ **

_BACK TO MY CURRENT PREDICAMENT PLEASE  
_

**_maybe it's his insurance advisor_ **

**_and she's advising him to stay away from pyromaniac kids with a buzz-cut_ **

_1 i'm not a kid anymore and 2 my hair have grown since high school thank you_

_you know what fuck it i'm going in_

_i'm tired of being ignored_

**_can you film this please_ **

 

_IT WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER  
_

**_hahahahaha_ **

**_and i bet you barged in all high and mighty_ **

_i told him he could take his fucking douchemobile and stick it up his arse_

**_i thought there was no insulting the douchemobile_ **

_and that if he couldn't take a little barfing on his shoes  
_

_and a little burning in his living room_

_he didn't diserve to get himself some stiles lovin'  
_

_and that i wished him every happiness with his skanky rebound_

_and that he could stick HER up his ass too  
_

_and then_

_i yelled STILES OUT_

_but i didn't even go i just kinda stood there_

**_did you really_ **

_yes_

**_were you red in the face_ **

_yes_

**_did someone film this_ **

**_i feel it was a defining moment in your character development_ **

**_but in all seriousness though what happened next_ **

_he was stunned_

**_i bet he was_ **

_and then his sister just started laughing histerically_

_and she grabbed my shoulder_

_just laughing and shaking me_

_and he made this vague motion like he was trying to stand up and sit down at the same time_

_that's when i finally tried to run_

_but the girl had like a death grip on my shoulder_

_and she looked at him_

_and i shit you not_

_she asked if they could keep me_

_but i didn't know she was his sister yet_

**_oh god did you yell something about not being into threesomes_ **

_you know me so well  
_

**_that's hysterical_ **

_she seemed to think so too you two should be friends  
_

**_so did you threw yourself out the window then or what?_ **

_no i just_

_she explained she was her sister and stuff  
_

_and then he rose really slowly and said HE was SORRY_

_like HE was the one to have barfed on MY freaking SUEDE SHOES_

_AND I SWEAR I HAD AN OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE I COULDN'T DEAL MAN_

_but yeah he said he shouldn't have ignored me and stuff_

_but he thought i was avoiding him_

**_so all in all_ **

**_he was being a child, and you were being a child?_ **

_yeah pretty much  
_

_her sister's cool she was on my side all along_

_so yeah i got another date_

**_man if he agreed to see you after all this he must be the one_ **

**_or at least the one you meet before the one  
_ **

_don't pressure me I still haven't recovered_

_how do you even recover from something like this_

**_you don't, it will be your burden until death sets you free_ **

_probably  
_

_man do i need to reflect on myself  
_

_**i'll leave you to you soul-searching then there's some cat litters that need cleaning  
** _

_oh come on drop it  
_

**_SCOTT OUT!_ **

_DUDE  
_

_TOO SOON_

 


	4. You're the Anguy to my Game of Thrones

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stiles recounts a small drunkscapade where they made a new friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys thank you so much for the comments, seriously they make my day.
> 
> As boredom always led me to do vastly useful things, I made myself a tumblr!  
> It's at pas-besoin-detre-cingle.tumblr.com and there's nothing on it yet (and I'm actually not sure there will ever be), but if you have one let me know please in the comments and I'll check it out! Thanks. Shameless self-promoting is over.
> 
> So another installment, a bit less hysterical than the other ones I guess, sorry.  
> 

_**dude why aren't you answering did you die?** _

_**i called you like 3 times** _

**_i hope you left me all your stuff  
_ **

**_i'm your only worthy friend_ **

 

_Hello_

_This is Derek Hale, Stiles' boyfriend_

_He forgot his phone at my place when he left this morning  
_

_I suggest you try to reach him through other means Mr McCall_

**_did you just call me mr mccall_ **

**_was he alright_ **

**_did he throw-up on you again_ **

_He was quite alright thank you  
_

_**good to know** _

_**thanks for the heads-up** _

_No skin off my back_

_Have a good day_

_**thank you**_

_**you too** _

 

_dude i got my phone back waddup_

**_dont waddup me_ **

**_your man-friend texted me_**

**_that was so weird_ **

**_i felt like your father_ **

**_he called me mr mccall_ **

**_bid me a good day and everything_ **

**_it felt so proper i might go make myself some tea and read-up on the state of the economy_ **

  _yea he fancies himself a real grown-up_

**_oh right  
_ **

**_you good? i feel like i died sometime last night_ **

**_and_ **

**_i think i banged my head on every last surface in my appartment_ **

**_also i only have half a shirt_ **

**_and inexplicably there's a hugeass potted rhododendron in my living room_ **

_oh yea  
_

_that's from when isaac showed up_

**_who's isaac_ **

_you kno  
_

**_i do not_ **

_the guy from last night  
_

_he was friend with us in high school_

**_we did not have friends in hs_ **

_sure did  
_

_you remember erica_

**_you were scared of her_ **

_boyd then?  
_

**_you were scared of him_ **

_lydia martin?  
_

**_she's probably gagging a bit when she thinks about you_ **

_dude you wound me_

_still you did ended up dating allison though_

**_she has a thing for the underdogs_ **

**_i mean her favorite character in game of thrones is anguy_ **

_who's that one  
_

**_i don't even know_ **

**_i kinda stopped watching when they started raping everybody_ **

_they are raping everybody?  
_

_that show is wild_

**_yea_ **

**_hide yo wifes_ **

_scott_

**_sorry_ **

**_back to what's important_ **

**_can you explain the rhododendrons  
_ **

_as a matter of fact yes i can  
_

_isaac showed up_

_curly hair, the kind of dude that would give raphael a hard-on_

**_who's raphael_ **

**_this is harder to follow than GoT_ **

_IT'S AN ITALIAN PAINTER  
_

_have you got no culture you heathen_

_anyways_

_drunk you must know him cause you basically threw yourself at him_

_we drank together_

_remembering the good ol'days at BHHS_

**_which ones?_ **

**_the ones where whittemore would shove you into the lockers?_ **

_dude don't rain on my parade it was all very merry_

_then we had to get the show on the road_

_and you got rly emotional cause isaac had to go home_

_and he got rly emotional too_

_and you started mixing your emotions together_

**_what does that even mean_ **

_you laid on the floor crying and he laid on you crying  
_

**_i should have known i didn't actually wanted an answer_ **

_it was all very manly don't worry  
_

_ANYWAY_

_i managed to get you two up and runnin_

_but at one point issac spotted the florist shop on 3rd avenue_

_and he kinda just_

_went in there_

**_it was opened? at night?_ **

_no_

_well it was when he put his fist through the window_

**_he did that didn't he_ **

_yes_

_but then he started crying again because he was scared of all the blood_

_i didn't want to call 911 because of the whole smashed windows thing_

**_that's fair_ **

_so i took part of your shirt and bandaged him_

**_why couldn't you take parts of his own shirt_ **

_the poor idiot was already messed-up enough  
_

_plus i think you look good in crop-tops_

**_i don't know what to make of this_ **

_you can start wearing more crop-tops  
_

**_not gonna happen_ **

_your loss  
_

_back to isaac_

_i think he has a really high pain thersshold_

_cause he got back on his feet really quickly_

_i mean literaly_

_he headbutted me in the chin getting up_

_and i for one do not have a high pain trerhshold_

_how do you even spell that word_

_so yeah_

_he grabbed a potted plant through the window_

_and gave it to you_

_while i was writhing in pain_

**_nice_ **

_yeah_

_you got rly emotional_

_again_

**_i like to express my feelings  
_ **

_i got that  
_

_so basically you were crying on the floor hugging the plant_

_he was hovering over you while quietly bleeding to death_

_whispering things under his breath and slowly patting your hair_

_and i couldn't deal anymore_

_so i called derek_

_who is a dad kinda_

**_i will try_** **_not_ ** **_to think of the implications of you calling your boyfriend a dad_ **

_no i just mean  
_

_he likes to be responsible and stuff_

_well he tries anyway_

_he doesn't spank me_

_unless i ask_

**_i did NOT want to have this mental image thank you_ **

_you're very welcome  
_

_anyway he showed up_

_and he took everyone home_

_except isaac_

_which he took to the er_

_because of the whole glass shards and blood experience  
_

**_you do put him through quite a lot_ **

_i like to think of myself as wild and interesting_

**_dude you woke him up at 3am to come rescue your drunk friends  
_ **

**_that's neither wild nor interesting_ **

_do you live to crush my dreams  
_

**_oh_ **

**_wait_ **

**_did i give my number to isaac sometime during the night_ **

_yea_

_when we got to the er you wrote it on his face_

_with a glitter gel pen_

_how did you even have a glitter gel pen_

**_i babysat my neighbours' kids_ **

**_that explains a lot_ **

**_i have all those strange texts from an unknown number_ **

**_dude alcohol then painkillers_ **

**_i think he's been wasted for 24 hours straight  
_ **

_what did he texted you  
_

**_im do gld i eyes you agn_ **

**_ur my friennn now._ **

**_forevrrr_ **

_that's beautiful_

_see_

_your tears and your love weren't wasted_

**_he also asked me what i assume is a concerned question about the plant_ **

**_if we actually named it franky at one point_ **

_yea you did  
_

_when he left the douchemobile he told you to keep on keepening without him_

_that he was only slowing you down_

_and he made you promise to take care of franky for him_

_then he kissed the plant and patted your hair_

_i think he meant to do the reverse_

_but who knows_

**_well_ **

**_i might go and see how he is_ **

**_i kinda feel responsible_ **

**_plus he might want to see franky_ **

_yeah you do that  
_

_i need to see derek and like_

_see if he's not fed-up yet_

_i mean all of this was a bit embarassing so i kinda ran away when i got my phone back  
_

**_tis okay_ **

**_he must be used to it_ **

**_i mean lately your life is kind of a string of embarrassing moments put together_ **

**_maybe he feels better about his own life when he's keeping you around_ **

_thank you.  
_

_but i will still be reminding you that you were the one hugging a plant and crying_

_just so you know_

**_one of my proudest moments_ **

_i should have film it and put it on youtube_

**_you wouldn't dare_ **

**_i have too much on you  
_ **

_i suddenly feel like our friendship is based on so much blackmail material we have no other choice but to love each other  
_

**_it's the best friendships there is.  
_ **

_i love you  
_

**_still not wearing crop tops_ **

_damn._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The rhododendron thing is actually inspired by a real life event where a friend of mine asked me to meet him at 1 A.M, said he was glad to see me, put a potted plant in my arms and then disappeared into the night.  
> Apparently he had no recollection of it since he asked me why I had a bigass potted rhododendron in my kitchen the following week.


	5. Eat pray and poop a lot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stiles needs to reevaluate his life.  
> Also, poop.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry.

_SO THIS FATED DAY FINALLY ARRIVED_

**_you hit puberty?_ **

_damn and it's still so early in the morning  
_

**_what can i say_ **

**_it's just so easy_ **

_i remember you in high school_

_so nice_

_so sweet_

_so innocent_

_everything flew right over your head_

_and i was king_

_oh boy_

_was i king_

**_i'll pretend i didn't read that_ **

_**so what happened**  
_

_i lost my job  
_

**_i would like to say i'm surprised_ **

_thanks_

**_but i'm not._ **

_i take back my thanks  
_

**_and_ _you just won me 30 bucks_ **

_what_

**_we had a pool going on_ **

**_with allison and isaac_ **

**_and some guy named ethan_ **

**_and his brother_ **

**_and danny  
_ **

**_and the waitress from the curly fries joint_ **

**_oh and your father_ **

_i'll say that again: what  
_

**_yeah i mean it was just a matter of time_ **

**_no offense_ **

**_you said so yourself_ **

_yes_

_but i'm authorized to make fun of myself_

_not you and half the town_

_and my goddamn father_

**_oh come on_ **

**_don't get prissy  
_ **

_i feel so... betrayed_

_and hurt_

_that you amongst all would make light of such a tragedy_

_and use my dealings with capitalism to your own ends_

_that's just mean_

_and so, so low_

_how am i ever gonna trust you again_

**_80/20?_ **

_oh come on this money is thanks to me_

_plus I'm the one who lost my job  
_

**_but the pool was my idea_ **

**_so i'm the entrepreneur here_ **

_don't you use big words on me buddy  
_

_all right 40/60 in my favor_

**_no way_ **

**_40/60 in my favor or you get nothing_ **

_okay 40/60 but you get me curly fries  
_

_to make up for my betrayed and bleeding heart_

**_alright_  
**

_niceeeeee_

 

**_wait_ **

**_i got distracted by all this money talk_ **

**_how did you lose your job?_ **

_that's not a story for the faint of heart_

**_go on_ **

_well  
_

_you know how i already had a warning for eating_

_and watching movies_

_and not doing my job_

_and overall being my awesome bad-working self  
_

**_yes_ **

_well then_

_yesterday they had this really big meeting  
_

_with CEOs and VIPs and other fancy acronyms_

_and they told me to send the people on a certain floor number_

**_let me guess you didn't get it right_ **

_yeah I kept sending them on the 3rd  
_

_and the thing with this building is_

_they have like security doors everywhere so someone with a magnetic card actually has to come and get you_

_or you are stuck_

_same thing with the elevator_

_so basically i sent all those guys and gals on a floor where no one work and they just got stuck there_

_for 45 minutes_

_until someone thought it was really weird no one was at the meeting_

_so there's that_

**_nice  
_ **

**_but can they really fire you for that?_ **

_well_

_there's also this_

_when they called me in this morning_

_i had this massive hangover / background drunkness_

_i really didn't understand what they were saying very well_

_so i couldn't defend myself_

_and i really, really had to poop_

_you know_

_those kind of poops you can't really keep in_

_the ones you get after a night of heavy drinking and bad dancing_

_where your farts smell like a cemetery after a plague_

_and you feel the cigare starting to dangle from your lips_

**_that's the single most disgusting image i ever heard_ **

_really?  
_

_i think i can do worse_

**_i dont wanna know_ **

**_so did you actually shit yourself there and then?_ **

_no_

_i draped myself  in my dignity and told them i didn't have time for this_

_and you know  
_

_how dare them_

**_what?_ **

_yeah_

_i looked at my boss and i screamed_

_HOW DARE YOU_

_because i figured it was the only occasion to say that i was ever gonna get_

_it was really victorian of me if i do say so myself_

_anyway_

_they basically told me i was mental and to pack my things and go_

_but i really had to poop_

_so before leaving i went to the toilet_

_AND I FUCKING CLOGGED IT_

**_oh no_ **

_yes.  
_

_but the worst thing is, they thought i did that on purpose_

_like a revenge thing for being fired_

_as if I'm childish enough to do that_

**_you are_ **

_yes but I'm above pranks with poop_

_seriously give me some credit here_

**_sorry_ **

_so yeah  
_

_i'll be remembered as the crazy guy who revenge-clogged the toilet_

**_nice rep_ **

**_where was derek when this was going down?_ **

_the traitor was sleeping at his desk with a bad case of too much tequila  
_

_he only woke-up when some guy ran out screaming from the bathroom cause the thing was starting to overflow_

_it was poopocalypse in there_

**_i don't know what i'm supposed to feel right now_ **

**_it's gloriously disturbing_ **

_thank you i do my best  
_

**_what are you gonna do now?_ **

**_you don't have a single good reference_ **

_are you kidding they adored me at the pizza place_

**_yes but it's a pizza place_**

_are you looking down on hard-working blue collars you slave of capitalism  
_

**_dude i'm still a student_ **

**_i work part-time_ **

**_i'm a victim here_ **

_i know_

_i'm starting to think this whole sabbatical to learn of the real world wasn't such a good idea_

**_no shit_ **

_I'll use all this free time i now have to reflect on myself_

_a really deep introspection you know_

_maybe i'll have to go to India_

_and find an inspirational hindu caracter to spurn me on my journey_

_because everyone know their mission in life is to help white people better themselves_

**_did you watch eat pray love_ **

_yes and it's vaguely racist  
_

**_does eat pray love have anything to do with you getting fired_ **

_i may have been in the process of watching it when my boss appeared behind me from the dark recess of whatever dimension that humanoid comes from  
_

**_the sadness_ **

_I KNOW  
_

_and cthulhu sneered at me like i have bad tastes in movies_

_i was watching it IRONICALLY_

**_are you calling your boss cthulhu_ **

_yes this dimension-hopping shambler bastard looks like an octopus with arms  
_

**_technically octopuses already have arms_ **

**_and legs_ **

_DON'T FIGHT ME ON THIS  
_

 

_hey you free after work?_

_i need to talk this out_

**_I can't come right after i have to go pick up franky_ **

**_but later is good_ **

_what?_

_wait franky as in the plant from last time?_

**_yea_ **

**_we have a joint-custody agreement with isaac_ **

**_one week rotation and equal division of holidays_ **

**_apparently moving it around too much can lead to stress_ **

_you do know it's not sentient right_

**_we looked it up on the internet_ **

**_and you need to talk to them too_ **

_what happened with you being the rational one  
_

**_it's perfectly rationnal_ **

_okay._

_so i take it isaac's feeling better_

**_yes he is_ **

**_it still hurts moving his hand too much but he should be fine_ **

**_he still has a cast  
_ **

**_and will probably get wicked scars_ **

_do i smell jealousy_

**_just a tiny bit_ **

_if you want scars i can arrange that for you you know  
_

_apparently women are attracted to men with facial scars_

**_i'm not trusting you anywhere near my face ever again_  
**

_when was i ever near your face  
_

**_let's not go down that road_ **

**_i have to go back to class so see ya later okay?_ **

_oh wow what a square not texting in class and all  
_

**_i'm ignoring you now_ **

_suit yourself you tiny humongoid  
_

**_what_ **

_i don't know leave me alone  
_

**_roger._ **


	6. But there's dinosaurs in it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Small spoilers for season 6 of Supernatural!  
> Also dinosaurs!

_wow you should NOT be a girl on Supernatural_

**_aren't you supposed to look for work_ **

_serisously not one of them survived so far  
_

_or maybe one_

**_shouldn't you stop procrastinating?_ **

_oh yeah and I can go fuck myself for my spin-off on Boby and Rufus wacky adventures in laland cause guess what  
_

**_you can't afford netflix anymore cause you lost your job?_ **

_you're right he's fucking DEAD  
_

_but at least they gave him a proper burial I think the girl is still rotting in the walk-in fridge_

_how do they keep finding conveniently placed walk-in fridges is beyond me_

**_I feel like we're having two vastly different conversations_ **

_we are_

_I'm waiting for you to stop sucking the joy out of my life  
_

_**serisously man how's the job hunt going?** _

_why you always insist on bringing up the things that hurt the most I will never understand_

**_that's because I'm worried for your well-being_ **

**_also I want you to stop leeching from me_ **

_have you got no mercy?_

_I'm just an innocent collateral damage of_ _the inherent inability of capitalism to opperate on a human basis_

**_so innocent you'll burst into flames if you ever step into a church_ **

**_and_ _stop blaming all your problems on capitalism you commie_ **

_but capitalism IS the root of  all evil DON'T YOU SEE_

_you BRAINED-WASHED MONGREL_

_**okay**_

_okay? that's it?_

_I'm a little disappointed_

 

_are you busy?_

_hey_

_don't ignore me_

_I'm vastly bored_

_come on_

_what are you doing_

_can we hang-out_

**_I'm already hanging out_ **

_WITHOUT ME?  
_

_YOU FRATRICIDAL BACK-STABBING CLAM_

**_chill I'm with Allison we said it was allowed_ **

_BROVARIES BEFORE OVARIES  
_

**_that was awful_ **

_I know sorry  
_

_so I take it you guys are doing fine_

**_yus_ **

_yus?_

 

_Scott?_

 

**_don't you have your own boyfriend to annoy_ **

_he's at workkkkk  
_

_besides he feels bad for me getting fired while he was sleeping so he's acting all weird_

**_what do you mean_ **

_like he's actually nice  
_

_and listens to me when I speak_

**_isn't that normal for a boyfriend_ **

_yes but  
_

_he actually LISTENS_

_like we talked until 3 am about the real-life implications of a Jurassic Park_

_and I couldn't even tell it didn't actually exist in the end_

_no one ever indulged me for that long_

**_did it occured to you that maybe he likes to listen to you_**

**_like maybe he just loves you_ **

**_like that's the whole point of having a boyfriend_ **

**_it's someone who actually likes shooting crap with you_ **

**_whatever you say_ **

_OH MY GOD  
_

**_did you just realize your boyfriend loves you_ **

**_awwww_ **

**_u so cute Stiles_ **

**_< 333_ **

_FUCKOFFFFF_

 

_SO I ACTUALLY CALLED HIM_

**_why?_ **

_to ask him  
_

**_if he looooOOooooOOooooooooves you?_ **

_DONT SAY THAT WORD_

**_awwwww_ **

_anyway I got side-tracked  
_

**_yeah?_ **

_yeah  
_

_that bastard actually thought about it_

**_about what?_ **

_Jurassic Park_

_like those guys_

_they have mastered all that technology_

_and instead of curing cancer_

_they create freaking dinosaurs_

_who let them_

_what is the government saying_

_why is no one doing anything_

_why do they let them eat endangered sharks_

_where is PETA_

_who keeps insuring them_

_SO MUCH QUESTIONS_

_so yeah derek thinks there must be a hell of a lot of government corruption going on_

_and_

**_wait Stiles_ **

**_you're confusing me with someone who actually cares_ **

**_plus I haven't even seen the new movie yet_ **

_YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE NEW MOVIE YET?!_

_BUT THERE'S DINOSAURS IN IT_

_remind me why am I friend with you_

**_because you looOOOooOOOooOOOooOOove me_ **

_well I love you a lot less now  
_

_let's go see it on friday_

**_okay_ **

_I need your imput on this situation  
_

**_what situation_ **

_the dinosaurs situation  
_

**_okay  
_ **

**_I'll think about it_ **

**_what actually bugs me is that_ **

**_how to they sustain the park_ **

**_like SO MUCH FOOD must be needed  
_ **

**_those bastards are going to drive exctinct full species_ **

_I KNEW YOU HAD ALREADY THOUGHT ABOUT IT  
_

**_WHO DIDN'T_ **

**_no but seriously about your derek problem what freaks you out so much  
_ **

_actually when I think about it nothing  
_

_but then I have this gut reaction in my reptilian brain_

_fight or get the hell out you know_

**_fight or flight response?_ **

_yea_

**_I'm so confused_ **

_yes that's your natural state  
_

_I mean have you seen your face_

_é.è_

_basically._

**_why are you always so mean_ **

_you know you like it  
_

**_I do but still_ **

**_no but seriously_ **

**_do you want to stay with him?_ **

_why yes he's pretty great  
_

**_so what's your problem man_ **

**_don't fuck it up by overthinking it_ **

**_you know_ **

**_just keep talking about Jurassic World and everything will be okay_ **

_yes I can do that  
_

_I have a very particular set of skills_

**_please don't do the Taken impersonation_ **

_okay._

_I have a fancy rendez-vous at a fancy place with him tonight_

**_lemme guess beers and curly fries at his place?_ **

_yes we're watching the original Robocops_

**_good for you_ **

_so I'll not freak out and enjoy myself_

**_you do that_ **

_take it slow  
_

_baby steps_

_I can't think of another synonym for this and I'm sad_

**_yea me neither actually_ **

**_I have to go Allison's back with lunch_ **

_niceeee  
_

_enjoy your food_

_i'll enjoy my beans by watching dean_

_get it_

**_there's nothing to get_ **

_you're making me sad >:-(((((  
_

**_< 33333333_ **


	7. 50 shades of mom-porn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stiles find his true calling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a while since I haven't updated this...  
> I'm moving desks next week, it will be harder to slack off. But I will do my best.

_dude forget what I said about girls in Supernatural_

_it's not just every girls  
_

_it's everyBODY SRSLY WHY_

_everytime there's a new character I'm spoiling myself to see if he dies_

_AND HE DOES_

_IT'S NOT EVEN SPOILERS AT THIS POINT IT'S JUST THE WAY THINGS ARE_

_I didn't look for garth yet but if he dies I swear I'll stop watching_

_he's my buddy_

**_okay_ **

_you don't care do you  
_

**_not really_ **

**_I don't even watch that show_ **

**_did you find work?_ **

_my work is watching supernatural_

_I watched like 3 seasons in a week_

_I don't even know what life is anymore_

**_you're going mad  
_ **

_i am not  
_

_sam was_

_but then they saved him_

_I miss Satan_

**_don't we all_ **

**_anyway still no job on the radar?  
_ **

_i think I'm going to study again  
_

_I mean doing a sabatical was a shit idea anyway_

**_it's been three years it's not a sabatical anymore_ **

**_it's just_ **

**_your life_ **

_thanks_

**_you know what you wanna study?_ **

_social sciences_

**_what_ **

_man I DUNNO  
_

_nothing motivates me anymore_

_depression is looming on the horizon_

_you're becoming a vet_

_and i'm becomming supernatural number 1 fan_

_you can't make a career out of that_

**_not sure not sure_ **

**_you can try and write a bestseller_ **

**_like that 50 shades chick_ **

_there's too much related carrots in supernatural's stew_

**_what about the angel?_ **

_they don't have genitals_

**_really?_ **

_I don't know we've seen none of them naked  
_

_can you believe it's been 10 seasons and still no butts_

**_I'm pretty sure there was a butt_ **

_I would have remembered  
_

_or maybe not but THAT'S NOT THE POINT_

_you know what derek said_

_he asked me what my dream was_

**_haha lame_ **

_i have NO DReAM SCOTT  
_

_DO YOU HEAR THAT_

_HE WANTS TO BE A MECHANIC FOR CHRISSAKE_

_I DON'T EVEN WANNA GET OUT OF BED_

**_wait why is he working a 9 to 5 dumbass job is he wants to be a mechanic_**

_he's making money first  
_

_he doesn't want to make too big a loan when setting up shop_

_do you believe that_

_derek the mechanic_

_derek in overalls_

_with grease on his arms_

_and a smudge on his face_

**_well here's your bestseller_ **

_I'm not writing porn with my boyfriend in it  
_

**_why not_ **

**_you're pretty good at writing_ **

**_you can make you know_ **

**_those books with shirtless guys on the covers_ **

**_and one can be about_ **

**_i dunno_ **

**_a young woman moving into a town  
_ **

**_meeting a rugged mechanic_**

**_someone dies_ **

**_he gets accused_ **

**_but deep down she knows it's not him_ **

**_so she tries to find out who really did it_ **

**_and he helps her_ **

**_with his DICK  
_ **

_I have no words  
_

_shockingly_

**_what_ **

_did you think about it beforehand or does it just comes to you  
_

**_it just comes to me I might have a hidden talent_ **

_for trashy novels  
_

_that's useful_

**_always here to help_ **

 

_MAN ABORT MISSION  
_

_ABORT_

**_what did you do_ **

_LAST NIGHT I COULDN'T SLEEP  
_

_AND I FUCKING WROTE THAT FUCKING STORY WITH THE RUGGED MECHANIC AND HIS WASHBOARD ABS_

**_you gave him abs?_ **

_OF COURSE I GAVE HIM ABS_

**_okay so what seems to be the problem_ **

_well I sorta got carried away  
_

_and I actually think it's kinda good_

**_I still don't see what the problem is_ **

_you mean besides from me discovering I'm good at writing softcore porn for moms?  
_

**_when you say it like this it's disturbing_ **

_IT IS ISN'T IT  
_

_BUT ANYWAY_

_DEREK READ IT_

**_oh no  
_ **

_OH YES  
_

_I FELL ASLEEP WITH THE THING STILL UP ON MY COMPUTER AND HE CAME IN THIS MORNING BECAUSE HE HAS MY KEY AND HE READ IT_

_THE WHOLE THING_

**_you gave him your key?_ **

_yes but that's not the main information in that sentence  
_

**_okay so he read your trashy novel_ **

**_what did he do_ **

_well he didn't read it in full cause it's kinda long and anyway I'm not done with it yet  
_

**_moving on_ **

_YES SO he was THERE and I WOKE UP AND HE WAS JUST STARING AT MY SCREEN WITH A BLANK EXPRESSION ON HIS FACE  
_

_AND I JUST_

_HE LOOKS AT ME_

_AND I'M HERE MORTIFIED IN MY BED_

_AND HE LOOKS AT ME_

_AND HE SCRACHES his male model chin_

_with a whole thoughtful look going on in his stupid face_

_and you know what he said_

**_no_ **

_he said it's kinda good  
_

_KINDA GOOD_

_HE JUST DISCOVERED I'M A CLOSETED PERVERT AND HE SAYS IT'S KINDA GOOD_

**_well that's good no? why are you freaking out?_ **

_because I'm so embarrassed you have no idea  
_

_he was SMIRKING_

_like_

_"mechanic, uh?"_

_THAT SMUG BASTARD_

**_maybe it will motivate him to achieve his dream_ **

_what in the holy heavens are you talking about  
_

**_I mean it was basically a confession that him in overalls makes you so horny you need to write a trashy novel about it_ **

_IT WAS YOUR FUCKING IDEA  
_

**_hey you're the one who wrote it down I was just the inspiration_ **

**_the muse_ **

_the muse  
_

_fucking hell_

_wait that's actually funny_

_you're a trashy muse_

_haha  
_

_nice_

**_you're so easily entertained it's beautiful_ **

_yes but now my boyfriend knows I'm writing this kinda stuff and he actually told me I should send it in  
_

_like he actually sat me down_

_and told me_

_I needed to get this out in the world_

_and try to make money off it_

_because it was_

_that good_

**_I kinda wanna read it now_ **

_I'm not so sure  
_

_**why not**  
_

_well it's basically derek and gender-bent me_

**_gender-bent? is that the proper term?_ **

_sue me I made some research  
_

_there's a whole world out there_

**_dude do you feel it_ **

_what?_

_**this feeling** _

**_like we're on the verge of something major_ **

**_like_ **

**_you need to send it in seriously_ **

**_I mean_ **

**_if this gets published and it actually works_ **

**_this is something you can do_ **

**_while figuring out the rest, hopefully_ **

_are you telling me I could make a career out of this  
_

_look I just wrote half a trashy mom-porn let's not get ahead of ourselves here_

**_no this is great_ **

**_I'm so proud of you I might cry_ **

**_I told Isaac he's excited_ **

_oh yeah how's franky  
_

**_we don't talk about it_ **

_so not that great I take it  
_

**_I said WE DON'T TALK ABOUT IT_ **

_okay don't get your panties in a twist_

**_back to business_ **

**_finish your thing I'll look up editors you can send it to_ **

_wait you're actually serious  
_

**_indeed I am_ **

**_now_ **

**_what's this about giving your key to derek_ **

**_that's a huge step why didn't you tell me_ **

_I dunno it's just sorta happened  
_

**_I'm so proud of you I have tears in my eyes_ **

**_you finally have a relationship with a hot mechanic  
_ **

_well right now he's a hot employee but yeah  
_

**_dude I wasn't kidding about the editor thingie you keep working on it and we will get this thing PUBLISHED OR MY NAME ISN'T SCOTT_ **

_okay_

**_okay?_ **

_yeah_

_to tell you the truth_

_I kinda enjoyed writing it_

_I mean_

_it's funny_

_and_

_yeah_

_hot mechanics_

_what's not to like_

**_you need to make one with firemen_ **

**_oh and a pool boy_ **

**_and A HOT CEO_ **

**_AND A BARISTA_ **

**_SO MUCH POSSIBILITIES_ **

_dude calm down_

_I haven't even finished the first one yet_

_and maybe the porn editors won't like it I mean_

_we don't know what their criterias are_

**_dude you said it yourself it's a hot mechanic_**

_true_

**_let's roll baby_ **

_don't ever call me baby again  
_

**_I felt dirty as soon as I typed it_ **

_good._

**_sent it to me when it's done! I'll try not to gag_ **

_will do!  
_


	8. Manly McManimal, king of trash

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stiles gets on the path to fame

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I'm at work with a fever, this might not even make sense or be funny. But I wanted to update anyway!  
> I feel like laughing and crying at the same time it's pretty intense.

_**STILES BROTHER** _

_SCOTT HALF-SIBLING_

_**WHAT** _

_I DUNNO IGNORE ME_

_**OKAY** _

_WHY ARE WE SCREAMING_

_**BECAUSE I HAVE THE BEST NEWS YET** _

_IS IT WORTH ME PAUSING MY SHOW_

**_YES IT IS_ **

**_well i don't know it really depends on your outlook on life and what your level of expectations are_ **

_**but I am excited** _

_go on I'm intrigued_

_**you remember your novel** _

_you mean my chef-d'oeuvre_

_the sum of my life-work_

_the culmination of every art-forms known to man_

**_yes_ **

_no I do not  
_

**_well that's too bad_**

**_because I did send it to publishing companies_ **

_you did that  
_

**_yes_ **

**_and guess what  
_ **

_NO_

**_YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS_ **

_**ONE OF THEM FUCKING ANSWERED**  
_

_**AND THEY ARE INTERESTED** _

_whaaaaaaaaaaa_

**_yes_ **

**_I know_ **

**_take a moment_ **

_but_

_I mean_

_I wasn't even serious_

_I signed the thing Manly McManimal for chrissake_

**_yeah about that_ **

**_they requested you change your penname_ **

**_and the title_ **

**_and they sent me an annotated version you have to revise_ **

_it this real life  
_

_or is it just fantasy_

**_it is real my friend_ **

_oh god  
_

 

_what is wrong with the title_

**_well apparently they think_ **

**_"dipstick me in my filterhole"_ **

**_1) doesn't make sense_ **

_**2)** **is gross**  
_

_dude_

_the whole thing is gross_

_plus it was rather clever_

_you know_

_dipstick and filterhole_

**_yes I know what they are thank you_ **

_I will change my penname but I'm fighting them on the title it's the greatest  
_

**_come on man pick your battles_ **

**_when you're famous you can title them whatever_ **

_what do they want?  
_

**_brace yourself_ **

_I'm scared  
_

**_"Racing Hearts"_ **

**_get it  
_ **

**_cause he works with cars  
_ **

_that's even worth than mine  
_

**_yes it is_ **

_they're destroying my baby  
_

**_dude come on_ **

**_I'm sending you the anotated version  
_ **

_okay thanks  
_

 

_I told Derek_

_I've never seen him laugh so much so thanks I guess_

_he's so smug because the editor put a smiley face next to his description_

_with a "good job"  
_

**_yeah I know_ **

**_there's another one when you mention his abs_ **

_oh god  
_

_did my boyfriend got himself a fan_

**_it's okay_**

**_they don't know you based "Tyler" off a real person  
_ **

_yeah well don't tell them they would probably wanna meet him  
_

 

_dude this yukimura editor chick must be an intern_

_she's not professional at all_

**_why?_ **

_she added a note with "niceeeee" next to the first-kiss scene_

_and then there's a "me likey" when Tyler rips her dress off_

**_well_ **

**_at least she liked it_ **

_yeah_

_I'm worried_

_**she's nice  
** _

_**she called me to tell me** **she had sent an email** _

_she called you to tell you she sent you an email?  
_

**_yeah_ **

_did she fax ahead of time to tell you she was gonna call you about an email she sent?  
_

**_stiles_ **

_watch out you're gonna get a telegram soon  
_

**_come on she was excited apparently it's her first assignment_ **

**_you're both newbies be nice_ **

_BUT I'M THE ONE WITH THE TALENT_

_FEAR ME_

_FEAR MY POWER_

**_calm down manimal_ **

 

**_seriously though I can't believe you're good at this_ **

_yeah me first_

_**isaac thinks you should make a series  
** _

_**like ann rice** _

_**but instead of vampires it's slutty mechanics**_

_did you  
_

_did you make isaac read it_

**_yes_ **

**_i made everybody read it_ **

_I think I should maybe hate you  
_

**_oh come on you're so proud of yourself_ **

_I am  
_

_that's bothering me_

**_there's no stupid ways to make money you know_ **

_are you endorsing prostitution now  
_

**_I am_ **

**_I'm endorsing everything as long as the person doing it is okay with it_ **

_have you been browsing tumblr again  
_

**_maaaaybe_ **

_okay_

_just don't turn into some sort of memelover trash again  
_

_I can't live through this nightmare a second time_

_you don't know what it's like_

_watching your best friend slowly lose it  
_

_communicating solely through frogs_

**_its name is pepe_ **

_did I ask? no i did not  
_

**_come on it wasn't that bad_ **

_I still have nightmares about it  
_

**_D-:_ **

 

_back to what's important  
_

_how should I call myself_

_should I be a girl_

_I feel like most of the writers have girls names_

_but I feel like I should be a dude with a sexy manly name_

_and a mysterious life_

_that way my fans can fantasize not only about the story but about me as well_

**_you don't have any fans_ **

_I beg to differ_

_at the end of racing hearts miss Yukimura wrote "good work :D"_

_smiley face included_

_so there  
_

**_my bad_ **

_what do you think about Alexander Boldin  
_

**_that's not terrible actually_ **

_I know right  
_

**_where does it come from_ **

_I'm watching Generation Kill  
_

_there's Alexander Skarsgard in it  
_

_that's not the only reason I'm watching it_

_but he's in a marine uniform_

_so there's that_

**_I_ _understand_ **

_and then I just picked whatever last name poped-up on google when I typed swedish surnames_

**_so you're still obsessed with vikings_ **

_who's not_

_seriously  
_

_**okay** _

_**so** _

_**Racing Hearts by Alexander Boldin**  
_

_I might cry_


	9. Hobo beard is the best kind of beard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stiles goes to a meeting with his publisher and it goes really well

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WHY DID NO ONE TELL ME GARAGIST IS NOT A REAL WORD  
> I WAS SURE IT WAS GARAGIST  
> AND NO  
> ITS FUCKING  
> MECHANIC  
> AAAAAAAAAH  
> so yeah another update because I'm on fire my friends  
> (and I'll go back and edit the other chapter because garagist apparently doesn't exist/is weird)

**_so you ready for your big meeting?_ **

_yeah_

_except that I just set my HAIR ON FIRE_

**_what_ **

**_how do you_ **

**_how do you even do that_ **

_I WAS SMELLING A FUCKING CANDLE_

**_WHY WOULD YOU SMELL A_ **

**_IS YOUR FACE OKAY_ **

_I BURNT MY HAIR HOW DO YOU THINK IT IS_

**_NO I MEAN_ **

**_like you didn't burn your skin or anything_ **

_no_

_I didn't even notice_

_I just stood up and asked derek if he didn't smell anything weird_

_and he started screaming and whacking me with a dishcloth_

_it was all pretty intense_

**_what do you look like now_ **

_well._

_we tried to salvage what we could_

_that's how I found out that derek is NOT THAT GREAT with scissors_

_seriously the candle did a better job at a haircut_

**_oh god_ **

**_what did you do_ **

_I ended up shaving everything_

**_like in hs?_ **

 

_yeah_

**_haha_ **

_I look like a goddamn thirteen years old_

**_maybe derek's into that_ **

_I just vomited in my mouth a little_

**_sorry_ **

**_no but seriously_ **

_it's okay I will survive_

_I mean_

_it could have been worse_

_I could have set my whole head on fire_

_ha_

_kill me._

**_well_ **

**_it's okay you're meeting an editor they don't care what you look like_ **

_thanks man I feel better_

**_good luck I guess?_ **

_D:_

 

_so that went well_

_until derek fucking showed-up_

_I told him_

_"stay in the car"_

_"won't be long"_

_but did he listen?_

_**I'm gonna take a wild guess and say no** _

_IT WAS RHETORICAL SCOTT_

_the yukimura girl_

_I actually heard her soul leave her body when he walked in_

_**aren't you projecting a little** _

_all casual like_

_THE MAN WAS BORED IN THE CAR_

_**did you at least crack a window open?** _

_**I hear they can die of heatstroke or dehydration otherwise** _

_HE'S NOT A DOG_

_besides it was raining_

_OF COURSE IT WAS RAINING_

_HE WAS ALL WET AND GORGEOUS_

_and she gave me the thumbs up scott_

_the thumbs up_

_WITH BOTH THUMBS_

**_I don't get why you don't want anyone to see you with him_**

**_why leave him in the shame car_ **

**_you haven't even introduced me to him yet_ **

**_well technically you did but I was way too drunk to remember_ **

_BECAUSE_

**_because what_ **

**_oh_ **

**_is it because of your insecurities_ **

**_like he's too good for you so you don't wanna jinx it_ **

**_dude_ **

**_you burned his house_ **

**_puked on his shoes_ **

**_implied he fucks his own sister_ **

**_made him pick us up when drunk and bleeding at 3am_ **

**_set your hair on fire_ **

**_and now he's staying through the whole mom-porn business_ **

**_I think it's safe now_ **

_it's not that_

**_what is it then_ **

**_are you ashamed of us_ **

_no_

_well a little_

**_are you ashamed of yourself_ **

**_OOOH I GET IT_ **

_don't_

**_NO I KNOW_ **

**_YOU'RE AFRAID OF WHAT WILL PEOPLE THINK_ **

**_WHY IS THE MALE MODEL_ **

**_WITH YOU_ **

**_THE OTHER KIND OF MALE MODEL_ **

_what_

_what are you_

_what kind of male model am I_

_what are you hollering on about_

_**dude you're too self-conscious who cares**  
_

_**you have great hair** _

_**well had** _

_:(_

_**great skin** _

_**great bone structure** _

_**so what you can't grow facial hair without looking like a hobo** _

_**it's a talent too** _

_dude_

_stop with the prep talk_

_you're worse at it than coach_

**_YOU REMEMBER COACH_ **

_of course I do_

**_I dearly loved this man_ **

_okay moving on_

**_yeah_ **

**_how did the meeting go_ **

**_after your underwear model showed up_ **

_well_

_she got really excited_

_she couldn't even finish her sentences_

_like_

_"did you"_

_"did you really"_

_and she would wave his hands at him until he sat down with us_

_and you know what_

_he always plays it cool and detached_

_like yeah I'm brooding_

_so much on my mind_

_BUT HE'S SUCH A CHILD_

_LIKE SHE WAS ALL FLUSTERED_

_AND HE WAS SO SMUG_

_I COULD TELL_

_IT WAS ALL OVER HIS STUPID FACE_

_then since it's a coffee shop he actually got up again to order something so it kinda ruined his entrance_

**_so she got it_ **

**_Tyler the hot mechanic is actually a real person_ **

_yeah_

_and now she wants him to model for the art cover_

_and I was like_

_derek_

_no_

_and he was like_

_derek_

_yes_

**_seriously?_ **

_yeah_

**_I didn't think he would like to model_ **

**_I mean it's derek hale_**

**_he likes to cut down trees and grind coffee beans with his own teeth_ **

_his reasoning is that it's easy money_

_it is actually kinda well-paid_

_capitalism is turning us all into prostitutes_

**_don't they usually use drawings for covers?_ **

**_what have you got against prostitutes?_ **

**_why do we keep talking about them are they our new frenchies_**

_I have nothing against prostitutes_

_once in Europe_

_I saw this girl standing on her corner_

_she had the highest heels ever_

_and I was like_

_how can you stand on these for hours and not die_

_I mean that in itself was a feast_

_they are troopers_

**_that's not really the question I wanted you to answer first_ **

_sorry_

_yeah they usually use drawings cause it's cheaper_

_BUT_

_it's a young company_

_and they want to score a big hit_

_so they go all out on the packaging_

_which apparently now includes derek grinding half-naked on a girl_

**_I would buy that that's good marketing_**

_I'm not sure I want tons of people fantasizing on my actual boyfriend_

**_dude_ **

**_derek is nothing like tyler the mechanic_**

**_derek wishes he was tyler the mechanic_**

**_tyler the mechanic is like_ **

**_a god_ **

_and derek's just a puny human?_

**_I mean I haven't met him but he probably has flaws_ **

_yeah_

_like_

_I thought he didn't know the effect he had on people_

_but he so fucking does_

_you should see him smiling at cashiers when he wants a discount_

_or at work to get out of stuff he doesn't wanna do_

_it's like_

_dude_

_don't you have no shame_

_he's his own pimp it's_ _unbelievable_

**_that's beautiful_ **

**_so did you actually sign something?_ **

_yeah_

_I get a fixed amount for the first book and then if it goes well I will have a percentage on the benefices_

_it's not like_

_a huge amount of money but it's not bad_

_and then_

_they made me sign another contract_

_for a series_

**_SERIOUSLY_ **

_yeah_

_don't get your panties in a twist_

_I make the first one and if it goes relatively well we go ahead with the whole thing_

_so they only pay me for the first one_

**_I'm so excited_**

**_what's it gonna be about_ **

_well_

_you know how vampires make the big bucks_

**_yes_ **

**_and s &m sex offenders_ **

_well they want fantasy too_

**_oh my god Isaac is gonna be so proud_ **

**_it's exactly what he said you should do_ **

_yeah but they don't want vampires_

**_what then?_ **

_I suggested werewolves because of the whole alternate dimension discussion we once had_

_**oh my god I'm your muse even when I'm not there** _

_yeah yeah_

_so there_

_werewolves_

_**kinky** _

_**do you even know how werewolf sex goes** _

_does anyone really_

_**like what if all the excitation makes you wolf-out while doing it and you maul your partner to death** _

**_that would be embarrassing_ **

_I'm not sure embarrassing is the right word there pal_

_**oh please do that**  
_

_**they keep finding nude ladies mauled to death and it's actually because of a horny werewolf and he's mortified** _

_**you can have the whole WHAT HAVE I DONE existential**_   ** _crises_ **

_dude you're sick_

_I'm revoking your muse privileges_

**_you can't do that to me I'm your only friend_**

_fuck off_

**_okay sorry_ **

_since you helped I will treat you to dinner_

_with derek_

**_AM I GONNA MEET HIM_ **

_yes_

**_CAN I BRING ISAAC_ **

_is he your new sidekick_

**_don't tell him that he thinks he's the batman in our relationship_ **

_more like relationraft_

_hahaha_

_get it_

**_dude we said no more bad puns_ **

_sorry_

_yes you can bring him_

_my place tomorrow night? around 8?_

**_cool cool_ **

**_I'm excited_ **

_don't be_

**_see ya dickinson_ **

_more like dickinbutt_

_hahaha_

**_stiles_**

_sorry._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm half sure I will end-up fucking writing Stiles dumbass mom-porn just watch me


	10. Hulihee my mutton chop

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isaac gets a new dad, Stiles wants to die a little, there's blood somewhere, Derek broods, and Scott saves the day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PUBLIC NOTICE:  
> You have now unlocked bonus content in the form of [Racing Hearts](http://archiveofourown.org/works/4341332/chapters/9846065) by Alexander Boldin, available at your pleasure on archiveofourown dot org.
> 
> Also I feel like Scott and Stiles have switched personalities somewhere along the lines but let's blame it on Isaac

_**did you grow out your beard to compensate for your hair** _

_get out_

**_I'm not even there yet_**

****

**_is your hobo beard self-conscious next to derek's manly stubble_ **

_no she's fine thank you_

 

**_will you grow a hulihee if I ask nicely_ **

_what the hell is a hulihee_

**_google it_ **

 

_oh god_

_it makes me want to go get a donkey and ride it into the sunset_

**_why a donkey why not a horse_ **

_I feel like you don't deserve a whole horse if you have that kind of facial hair_

**_no you deserve a dragon it's that majestic_ **

_please go set yourself on fire_

**_what's with you and fire recently_  
**

**_we're worried_ **

_who's we_

**_I'm with Isaac_ **

**_remember how you said I could bring him_ **

_yeah_

_he's your soulmate now_

**_shaddup_ **

**_we're mourning_ **

**_Frank finally died_ **

_I thought it was already dead_

**_he was mainly dried-up_ **

**_we tried to save him_ **

**_but to no avail_ **

**_wait he wants to talk to you_ **

_frank?_

 

**_hi_ **

**_I have ideas for your series about werewolf sex_ **

_you do know it's not exclusively about werewolf sex_

**_that's disappointing me a bit_ **

_what is your fantastic idea_

**_it should be hella gay_ **

_what do you mean_

**_I mean dicks in butts_ **

_okay put scott back on_

 

**_I'm back_ **

_I don't want to take advice from your boyfriend again_

**_well he's not wrong_ **

**_we read fanfics_ **

_okay_

**_and fanfics are really gay_ **

**_like_ **

**_dicks_ **

**_everywhere_ **

**_and everyone's reading them_ **

_okay_

**_that's all you have to say?_ **

_I'm still processing the fact that you read fanfics with Isaac_

_what were they about_

**_Captain America_ **

_who puts his dick in Captain America's butt_

**_the winter soldier mainly_ **

_makes sense_

**_it does doesn't it_ **

_metaphorically speaking it's interesting_

**_what do you mean_ **

_you know_

_it's like_

_democracy getting fucked by communism_

**_you're the only one seeing a political message in porn seriously_ **

**_plus he's not even a communist he's just russian_ **

**_well_ _american technically but_ **

_okay I do not care_

_since when are you the nerd_

**_dude it's not even being a nerd everyone loves cap_ **

_cap_

_is he your buddy now_

**_I wish_ **

_are all of them porn?_

**_no_ **

**_some are actually really emotional_**

**_Isaac cried a little at one point_ **

**_but yeah usually there's a lot of dicks involved_**

**_recipe_ ** **_for success_ **

_so now you guys think I should write a book about gay werewolves porking each other_

**_yes_ **

**_diversity you know_ **

**_it's including of a demography we don't usually cater to in_**   ** _literature_ **

_you do know there's like a ton of gay porn in books_

**_really?_ **

_yes._

_like a whole genre_

_which is called_

_hold on to your pants  
_

_gay porn._

**_my mind is blown I'm gonna have to take a moment_ **

_since you started hanging out with isaac you got really better at sarcasm_

**_I know I'm proud_**

_I'll have to discuss it with my editor_

_maybe they'll be reluctant_

**_why_ **

_cause it's mainly for women so maybe they want a woman as a main character for identification purposes_

**_maybe_ **

**_hold on isaac has something to say again_ **

_can't he just get his goddamn phone and tell me directly_

 

**_no_ **

**_I wanted to say_ **

**_who cares about identification_ **

**_the more good-looking dicks involved_ **

**_the better_ **

**_Isaac out_ **

 

_what's with Isaac and dicks suddenly_

_isn't he supposed to be straight_

_like you are_

_now that I think about it_

**_yes_ **

**_but being straight doesn't automatically stop you from fetishizing another kind of sexuality_ **

**_we're almost there_ **

_okay_

_I have one rule_

_do NOT_

_talk about dicks at dinner_

_seriously_

**_oh come on you know me_ **

 

_why are you giving me the thumbs up_

**_don't text under the table it's impolite_ **

 

_WHY DO YOU KEEP GIVING ME THE THUMBS UP_

**_he's even more good-looking from up close_ **

**_good job_ **

_I will end you_

 

_is it just me or is Isaac fanboying a little_

**_yes he is_ **

 

_is derek indulging him_

**_I feel left-out_ **

 

_**I think derek is his new dad**  
_

_does it make Isaac my step-son_

**_I'm so here for this_ **

_but I'm too young to be a mother_

 

**_don't be so nervous it's going well for once_ **

_I wasn't prepared for them falling in love_

_we haven't discussed adoption yet_

_I don't even know the guy that well_

_what if he's a troubled kid_

_I'm not cut-out for that much responsibilities_

**_shut up and go get the food_ **

 

**_well that was neat_ **

_I DIDN'T DO IT ON PURPOSE_

**_you almost chopped his hand off_ **

_WHAT WAS IT DOING THERE_

**_you do know you're not supposed to cut mutton chops with an actual chopper_ **

_WHY IS IT CALLED MUTTON CHOPS THEN_

**_where did you get one that big anyway_ **

_I'm mortified_

_did you see the glare derek gave me_

**_is he talking to you?_ **

_no_

_he's just driving too fast after the ambulance_

_I'm freaking out_

**_good thing I'm a doctor_ **

_YOU'RE A VET_

**_I still stopped the bleeding_ **

_no but seriously is it that bad?_

_I couldn't get a good look with all the screaming and the flailing_

_and blood_

**_I don't think it's worse than the time he put his arm through a window_ **

**_at least you chopped his other hand_ **

**_he will have symmetrical scars now_ **

_okay_

_I don't see how that's good news but okay_

 

_dude I think derek's real mad I maimed his only son_

 

_why is the hospital so far away there's too much tension in this car_

**_sexual or?_ **

_scott brother_

_now is not the time_

**_sorry_ **

_I'm starting to wonder what is he more pissed about_

_that I ruined his mutton chops_

_or that I ruined Isaac_

_how's he holding up btw?_

**_well he's conscious now_ **

**_they gave him pain killers_ **

**_he seems happy enough_ **

**_I think he secretly likes riding in ambulances_ **

**_everyone's fussing about him_ **

**_yeah he just said he's the king_ **

**_he's good_ **

 

_I told derek_

_you know what he said?_

_"yeah good thing you don't have upper-body strength and the blade ripped on his metacarpal"_

**_what is a metacarpal_ **

_the bones in your hand_

**_aren't they phalanges?_ **

_dude how are you even a doctor for fuckssakes_

_phalanges are the fingers and metacarpals are inside the palm_

_**I'm not good with names leave me alone**  _

**_besides I'm a vet not a doctor_ **

_**anyway he doesn't sound that mad**  
_

_it was vitriolic sarcasm my head almost caught on fire again_

**_he really is a dad_ **

**_isaac doesn't even care_**

**_they got him high so he would sleep and shut up_ **

_you should have let derek ride in the ambulance_

_I think maybe he's just mad he's not in the ambulance_

_I mean you don't get to ride in ambulances that often_

**_well next time you maim someone I'll make a point of letting derek ride in the ambulance because he is a child_ **

_I thought he was a dad_

**_he is many things_ **

 

**_okay they took him to get stitches so I'm hanging out in the hall_ **

**_join me when you're parked_ **

 

**_they still remember him it's been months_ **

**_I guess not that many people put their actual arm through actual windows_ **

**_on purpose_ **

 

**_Stiles?_ **

 

**_did Derek kill you?_ **

_**I hope not cause I'm not strong enough to go avenge you** _

_**I think he could break me** _

**_I know I look strong but I'm really not_ **

_you don't look strong_

_whoever said that was a dirty liar_

_**I think I just saw derek bolt past me**  
_

_It is entirely possible_

**_where are you?_ **

_I stayed in the car_

**_did you fight?_ **

_he called me an hyperactive spazz_

**_ouch_ **

**_what did you say_ **

_I said he was a downer with no sense of humor_

_oh and a poor conversationalist_

_that's when he stormed out_

_**dude that's like** _

_**really mean** _

_and calling me a hyperactive spazz isn't_

**_but Stiles_ **

**_I'm sorry to be the one to break it to you_ **

**_but you ARE an hyperactive spazz_ **

**_you even take medicine for it_ **

_I know but it still hurts._

**_awww_ **

_did I ruin my relationship_

_is this what I just did_

**_nah I think he still loves you_ **

**_I mean he let you stay in his douchemobile_ **

**_and it's like_ **

**_his daughter at this point_ **

_ew D-:_

 

**_dude I wanted to come get you but_ **

**_derek is creeping around the hall_ **

**_what should I do_ **

**_should I go talk to him_ **

**_Stiles?_ **

 

_DON'T DO THAT_

 

_SCOTT_

 

_IF YOU TALK TO HIM ABOUT DICKS I SWEAR_

 

**_calm down that's not the only conversation I have_ **

_what didya do_

**_I came up to him with a smile_ **

**_hullo there_ **

_and he didn't run that's amazing_

**_isaac was sleeping it off so I was like_ **

**_do not worry my friend_ **

**_tis but a scratch_ **

_did you really_

_**yeah and he was deadpan "he got 36 stitches"**  
_

**_and I said_ **

**_"ha! just a flesh wound"_ **

**_"remember when he put his arm through a window though"_ **

**_"good times"_ **

_scott did you just make everything worse_

**_I did not he half-smiled_ **

**_and then I asked where you were cause you sounded really upset on the phone_ **

_I didn't even call you_

**_I lied for the greater good_ **

**_anyway he seemed a bit worried and he said he may have been shitty to you_ **

**_so I pretended to be worried like you might do something stupid_ **

_did you just suicide-blackmail my boyfriend into forgiving me_

**_yes I did_ **

**_he's on his way_ **

**_if you can cry a little it would be great_ **

_scott_

_you're not allowed to hang-out with isaac again_

_you hear me_

_oh shit_

_he's actually coming_

**_don't thank me!_ **

_as if I ever would  
_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I like how there's no actual story to this so I could basically write it until I die.  
> Do I want to be a 90yo grandma writing fake texts sent by fake people from an old TV show? Yes. Yes I do.


	11. Fireworks, violins and shit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Scott gets dumped.  
> Stiles tries to comfort him.  
> It's not really working.  
> And it doesn't lead to sex neither because this is isn't this kind of fic.  
> OR IS IT
> 
> (it's not)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I felt like this chapter was a bit slow but oh well.  
> [Racing Hearts](http://archiveofourown.org/works/4341332/chapters/9876029) got an update too :D

_Scott_

_Scooooott brother_

_man_

_are you crying_

_you are aren't you_

_scott_

_dry you tears brother_

_it was not meant to be_

_one day you will find the one_

_and there will be_

_you know_

_violins and shit_

_scott_

_ssssssscccccccccccooooooootttttttttttttttttt_

**_am not crying lay off_ **

_HE'S ALIIIIIIIVE  
_

**_I'm not crying_ **

_I understand it is important for your tiny man-ego that I think you're not crying  
_

**_quit it Stiles_ **

**_not in the mood_ **

_sorry_

_really I am_

_fo realsies_

_I'm sorry bout Allison dumping you_

**_how could he do this to me_ **

_he?_

_are you  
_

_are you more upset about isaac than allison dumping you_

**_well_ **

**_he's my buddy_ **

_she was your GIRLFRIEND  
_

_and he's not your buddy_

_I'm your buddy_

_Isaac is your weird man-crush_

**_he's not my man-crush_ **

_YOU HAD A CHILD TOGETHER  
_

**_IT WAS A POTTED PLANT_ **

_YOU GUYS NAMED IT  
_

_YOU HAD JOINT-CUSTODY_

**_SHUT UP_ **

_dude_

_duuuude_

_I'm sorry_

_want me to come over and lick your wounds_

**_that's a disgusting thing to say_ **

_I'm sure your a licker_

**_do you regurlarly think about what I am_ **

_every waking hours  
_

**_please stop_ **

_I'll try  
_

**_when I asked why_ **

**_she said he was sexy_ **

_well_

_he is_

_he's like_

_tall and shit_

**_am I not sexy  
_ **

_how can I say it  
_

_you look like you try_

_but you know_

_you're like a puppy trying to be all scary_

**_it doesn't really makes me feel any better_ **

_oh come on  
_

_you guys were fighting all the time anyway_

_or more like giving each other the cold shoulder which is real mature_

_and her dad hated you  
_

_might as well find a step-family that won't try to poison you at dinner_

**_I never really understood why he hated me_ **

_you desacrated his little girl  
_

**_he doesn't look like he hates isaac_ **

_there's nothing left to desacrate  
_

_OR IS IT_

**_let's not_ **

_okay_

_do you want to get your mind off of things?_

**_what do you have in mind?_ **

_I have a meeting with yukimura  
_

_they printed the book and she wants to show me in person_

_I need moral support_

_I haven't seen the picture they made with derek and I'm scared_

**_you didn't go with him?_ **

_nah_

_I didn't feel like watching him parade half naked in front of everybody_

**_since when_ **

**_he's like your trophy boyfriend_ **

_he is isn't he  
_

_but he's richer than I am how is this supposed to work_

_what am I bringing to the table  
_

_apart from amazing hair and genius humor_

**_is he still sore about the isaac thing?_ **

_almost as sore as my butt was last night  
_

**_okay_ **

**_I don't know what I'm supposed to understand here_ **

_yeah it didn't really made sense did it  
_

_I'll phrase it again_

_he's not sore about it anymore_

_and we had amazing sex last night_

_so my butt is_

_sore_

_get it_

**_okay just_ **

**_let's talk about something else_ **

_you can't deal wih my amazing sex life?_

**_spare me_ **

**_when is the meeting_ **

_3pm_

_i'll come get you_

**_okay thanks_ **

 

_**why** _

_**didn't you tell me** _

_**she was our age** _

**_and cute_ **

**_and nice_ **

**_and_ **

**_everything_ **

_cause I knew you were picturing a bookish old hag and it was funny to see you stumble  
_

**_D:_ **

_she's totally your type isn't she  
_

**_I don't have a type_ **

_brown hair_

_slender_

_out of your league  
_

**_she's not out of my league_ **

_she is but she doesn't know it so it's okay  
_

_she said you were nice_

**_she did?_ **

_yeah  
_

**_what did she say?_ **

_she said you were nice  
_

**_but how?_ **

_oh for chrissake  
_

_she texted me_

_and it was, literaly_

_"your friend is nice"_

**_:D_ **

_are you already over Allison  
_

_and Isaac's deep, deep betrayal_

**_I don't want to think about it_ **

_hot girls have so much power it's unbelivable_

_do you think I'm hot  
_

**_I don't want to answer that question_ **

_no but do you  
_

**_stiles_ **

_scott_

_am I hot_

_**I think you would make a cute girl** _

_I don't wanna be cute I wanna be hot_

_would you go out with me if I was a girl?_

**_would you go out with me if you were a girl?_ **

_no_

_I would go out with Isaac_

**_THAT'S TOO SOON STILES_ **

_HAHA_

**_YOUR BOYFRIEND EMBRACED A HALF-NAKED GIRL_ **

**_HE'S BI_ **

**_SO MAYBE HE TOO WILL DUMP YOU FOR A HOT GIRL_ **

_ISAAC'S NOT A HOT GIRL AND FUCK YOU THAT WAS MEAN  
_

**_YEAH WELL YOU DON'T TAKE MY PAIN SERIOUSLY_ **

_HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT I WAS ALWAYS HERE FOR YOU_

_oh wow  
_

_it's intense_

**_I feel besides myself_ **

_did we just break out of our shells of cynisism and not aknowledging our feelings  
_

**_that was not pleasant_ **

_yeah let's get back to being sacarstic bastards it's way better  
_

**_agreed_ **

**_let's not talk about that again_ **

**_we're not in a TV drama_ **

**_and I never said something aching to you not aknowledging something that may or may not be going on with me_ **

_okay_

_and I didn't go all victorian for the second time in my short life_

_I am not in a romantic novel_

_and it's okay._

_now I will go call derek to ask him if he wishes I was a hot girl_

**_wait why would you do that_ **

_emotional manipulation_

_he knows I had a meeting today so he will understand it's about the cover, he will feel bad and I will get curly fries out of it_

**_you know that's emotional abuse right?_ **

_if you don't make me feel bad about it I'll give you yukimura's number  
_

**_agreed_ **

_I love you  
_

**_I love you too_ **

_that's gay  
_

**_you're gay_ **

_yes_

**_well now I don't know what to say_ **

_and once again, Stiles Stilinski proves his superiority of mind_

_and since he's a good prince_

_he will take his bow now_

_and let the plebs bask in his glory_

_goodnight._

**_it's like 6:30_ **

_GOODNIGHT I SAID  
_

**_okay don't get all shouty_ **

**_don't forget to send me the number :D_ **

_I won't why do you think I brought you with me  
_

_I knew you would like her_

_And that she would probably like you_

_I'm so great_

_watching out for my lonesome friend even when he's an ungrateful little shit_

**_I'm so moved I have no words_ **

_lick my feet you dirty licker  
_

**_that was unnecessary_ **

_yeah. sorry.  
_

**_it is okay._ **

**_i still love you._ **

_my prince <3333333  
_

 


	12. The monster (truck) within us all

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stiles gets to experience true America, Scott gets jealous, new discoveries are made

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the lack of updates.  
> I'm moving to another country at the end of the month so things are a bit hectic (as in I still haven't booked my plane tickets and the apartment I found got no furnitures it's gonna be an adventure)

_Scott_

_dude_

_Scotty my man_

**_yes?_ **

_I met Derek's uncle Peter today_

**_oh nice_ **

**_how was it?_ **

_well considering we went to get him at THE COUNTY JAIL I'll let YOU be the JUDGE_

**_I feel attacked by all these capslock_ **

_I feel attacked by Derek's criminally insane uncle_

**_he's criminally insane?_ **

**_what was he in for?_ **

_they wouldn't tell me_

_apparently he brought shame upon the family_

_for three generations I least_

**_did he fuck a goat or something_ **

_I dunno_

_I wouldn't put it past him_

_but can you get jailed for that?_

**_probably_**

_he is one shady motherfucker_

_I wouldn't let him look after my small children_

**_because he's a pedophile?_ **

_what no!_

_dude you're sick_

**_you're the one who mentioned small children_ **

_okay that was poorly phrased_

_even if he does look like some sort of beefy magician that would prey on his audience_

_I just meant he doesn't seem that trustworthy_

**_he looks like a magician?_ **

_not as much as your mom did last night_

**_what in hell_ **

_I don't know_

_my feet smells_

_I'm sad_

_leave me be_

**_okay back to what's actually interesting, Derek's uncle_ **

**_why is he shady?_ **

_I dunno_

_the vibes he gives_

_he was just being the king of sarcasm and you know_

_joking_

_but in a creepy way_

**_oh_ **

**_oh I see_ **

_what_

**_you don't like him because you feel threatened_ **

_I repeat: what?_

**_well you are the self-appointed king of comic relief_ **

**_he's stealing your fire_ **

_dude I do not like him because he just got out of prison_

_for fucking a goat probably_

**_don't be prejudiced_ **

**_everyone can make mistakes_ **

_are you_

_Scott McCall, messiah of upstanding morality and self-_ _righteousness_

_lecturing me_

_about criminals_

**_what is that supposed to mean_ **

_that in sixth grade you ratted me out to my own father when I stole Mandy's Halloween candies_

_you filthy goody two shoes_

**_but you stole her candies!_**

**_she was a mess!_ **

_and you were supposed to be my best friend!_

_we don't rat on each other!_

_that's why I have trust issues_

_ever since then_

_I couldn't bring myself to love again_

**_you're bringing tears to my eyes_ **

**_no but seriously are you sill mad about that Mandy thing_ **

_nah_

_I know you wanted to look good because you looOOooooOoooooOoOOOooved her_

_< 33_

**_I did not_ **

_did so_

_< 33333_

**_did not!_ **

_hey if you betrayed me I at least hope it was for love_

**_it was_ **

**_I deeply loved her_ **

**_my heart was an open wound every time I gazed into her hazel eyes_ **

_she had brown eyes but okay_

**_so we good?_ **

_yes_

_**so**  
_

_**derek's uncle is a criminal** _

_yes_

**_that's exciting_ **

_it bothers me a bit_

**_why_ **

_I feel dull_

**_you feel dull_ **

_congratulation on repeating what I just said_

**_oooh salty are we_ **

_oh man peter wants to take us somewhere to celebrate_

**_you're with them now?_ **

_indeed_

**_where is he taking you?_ **

_dunno it's a surprise apparently_

_his prison buddy hooked him up with some tickets for this thing_

_it's awesome he said_

_derek doesn't look really convinced_

_laura's side eyeing him so hard I think she broke something_

_do you think it's a drug transaction_

**_you don't get tickets for that_ **

_too bad_

_I'll keep you posted_

 

_Scott_

_dude_

**_so?_ **

**_what is it?_ **

**_a poetry reading?_ **

_it's_

_a_

_fucking_

_truck_

_rally_

**_a truck rally?_ **

_I JUST WATCHED A MONSTER TRUCK DO A FUCKING BACK FLIP_

_I DO NOT KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT THAT_

**_awesome_ **

**_that's how you feel_ **

_I DO NOT BELONG HERE_

_THERE'S TOO MUCH HAIR AND BAD TATTOOS_

_THOSE FUCKING TRUCKS_

_ONE OF THEM GOT FUCKING ARMS_

**_you better shut up and enjoy it_ **

**_I'm so jealous_ **

_I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WE HAD THAT HERE_

**_how's derek?_ **

_HE LOOKS CONFUSED_

_PETER IS LAUGHING LIKE A MANIAC_

_laura seems to be enjoying herself alright_

_she's cheering_

_SHE'S CHEERING FOR A FUCKING_ _SCHOOL BUS_

**_a school bus?_ **

_YES_

_THEY MOUNTED A SCHOOL BUS ON THEM BIG ASS WHEELS_

_I DON'T_

**_DUDE YOU BETTER ENJOY THE FUCKING MONSTER TRUCKS_ **

**_WHO DOESN'T SERIOUSLY_ **

**_LEARN TO LIVE_ **

_ARE YOU A CLOSETED REDNECK OR SOMETHING_

**_DUDE IS THERE A MONSTER TANK_ **

**_IF THERE IS I'M GONNA DIE_ **

_I DON'T KNOW_

_I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW IT WAS A THING_

**_I LOVE PETER_ **

**_NEXT TIME TAKE ME WITH YOU_ **

_WHY DIDN'T I KNOW YOU LOVE THOSE THINGS_

**_WHO DOES NOT_ **

**_IT'S LIKE_ **

**_THE ESSENCE OF AMERICA_ **

_I need a new country_

**_FREEDOM_ **

_THERE'S THE FUCKING MONSTER TANK_

**_WHAAAAAT DUDE YOU BETTER FUCKING RECORD IT_ **

_I dunno if I have enough battery_

**_WHO GOES TO A MONSTER TRUCKS RALLY WITHOUT BATTERY_ **

_me apparently_

_and I didn't know it was a monster trucks rally_

_because at first it was a matter of_

_oh yeah sure let's follow the criminal into the unknown_

**_dude he brought you to a monster truck rally you better be fucking grateful_ **

_well_

_it is an experience_

**_it is the BEST_ **

**_oh god is there merchandise_ **

_lemme go see_

 

_theres tee shirts with bad puns and pictures of trucks_

_do you want one?_

**_YES_ **

_do you want_

_"truck yeah"_

_or_

_"I like big trucks and I cannot lie"_

_**well that's a tough one** _

_there's also the standard "I heart monster trucks"_

_you know_

_if you wanna stay classy_

_oh god forget it I found the best one_

**_what is it?_ **

_imma send you a picture wait_

 

_ _

**_oh my_ **

**_oh_ **

**_oh god_ **

**_that's some good shit right there_ **

_okay the guy is starting to look at me weird_

**_which one are you buying?_ **

_ALL OF THEM_

 

_I GOT A COMPLIMENTARY MUG_

**_FOR REAL?_ **

_YES_

_THE GUY WAS REAL NICE_

_I THINK I FOUND MY PEOPLE_

_PETER'S GREAT_

_I'M WEARING A TRUCK YEAH SHIRT_

_LIFE IS GORGEOUS_

 

_you know who just borderline disowned me when he saw me in that shirt_

**_derek?_ **

_good call_

**_what did you do?_ **

_I looked him straight in the eyes_

_stripped_

_and put on "my other ride is your mom" instead_

_without breaking eye contact._

_he cried a little._

**_beautiful_ **

 

_some dude with a handlebar mustache saw my shirt and high-fived me_

_is it what it feels like to be an alpha male_

 

_dude peter found corn-dogs_

_and now he's in a muscle shirt for some reason_

_muscle shirts always seem to just happen to those kind of guys_

_like you get one free each time one abs manages to push through your stomach fat_

 

_DUDE SOME GIRL IN A SKIMPY TOP SMILED AT ME_

_I FEEL SO ALIVE_

 

_I NEED CARGO SHORTS ASAP_

 

**_I feel like I'm missing out on the most important discovery of your life and I feel sad_ **

 

_DUDE MONSTER TRUCKS ARE AWESOME_

_**I KNOW**_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay I have no idea why monster trucks  
> it doesn't even exist in my country  
> oh well


	13. My other ride is your mom, and she's not that thrilled about it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stiles gets a little bit ahead of himself, but there's prairie dogs so all is well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a while! I'm busy freaking out about dying when uni starts again. And also moving to another country I know nothing about. How do you make new friends seriously. Anyway, onward to comedy!

_so_

**_what did you do_ **

_wow already why would have I done something you ass I haven't said anything yet you know I feel a bit attacked right now  
_

**_it never bode well when you start with the one-word sentences_ **

**_and then you overdid it with the logorrhea  
_ **

_logorrhea?  
_

_Scott have you been watching Lingo re-runs again  
_

**_no_ **

_Scott i WILL take away your TV privileges don't test me  
_

**_YOU'RE NOT MY MOM!_ **

_you should be ashamed of yourself!_

**_speak for yourself!_ **

_what?_

**_I don't know_ **

_**you probably did something stupid you ought to be ashamed of so spill the beans** _

_you say spill the beans again I will be force to stage an intervention_

_also, "ought"?_

**_dude I have to be at work soon this needs to get on tracks_ **

_oh we're doing blackmail now are we  
_

**_THAT'S NOT WHAT BLACKMAIL IS_ **

_why are you yelling at me in text form_

**_BECAUSE YOU'RE SO FRUSTRATING_ **

**_COME ON DUDE GET ON WITH IT_ **

_okay okay  
_

_well_

_it's not that I did something as much as something happened to me_

_in the most unexpected of ways_

**_okay_ **

_so yeah  
_

_you know how I've been wearing my monster trucks shirts for like a month now_

**_yes I want to gouge my eyes out_ **

_oh come on you love them  
_

**_the line is thin between love and hate  
_ **

_oh come on they're great  
_

**_I'm not debating your shirts again_ **

_oh come on you're just jealous cause they don't fit you_

_nobody asked you to get all jacked up you meat-head_

**_BACK TO THE STORY_ **

_okay_

_well_

_Peter was coming to lunch and I thought it would be funny to wear the "your mom is my other ride" one_

_cause you know_

**_yeah you have the sense of humor of a 5yo  
_ **

_wow we do not hang out with the same 5 year olds_

_introduce me next time  
_

_but anyway_

_I was real proud_

_and you know_

_he knocked_

_and Derek was in the kitchen so I go to open the door  
_

_and I yanked it open with a big smile on my dumb face like haha remember my shirt_

_AND GUESS WHO WAS STANDING THERE  
_

**_Laura?_ **

_AND_

**_the other sister??_ **

_AND???_

**_derek's mum and dad???  
_ **

_INDEED_

_IT'S THE FIRST TIME I'M MEETING THEM AND I'M WEARING THIS FUCKING SHIRT_

_AND PETER_

_THIS ASSHOLE_

_HE JUST SEES ME_

_AND START LAUGHING HIS ASS OFF_

_AND THE PARENTS THEY ARE JUST LIKE_

_STARING ME DOWN_

_WHILE LAURA TRIES NOT TO CRACK UP_

_AND THE LITTLE ONE_

_I SWEAR TO ALL THE GODS SHE STARED AT ME LIKE I MISSED PARTS OF MY BRAINS_

_AND IT WAS SO EMBARRASSING_

_and then Derek shows up_

_and he's glad to see them like oh what a nice surprise my spawners are here_

_but then he looks at me and takes in the weird atmosphere_

_and in a second he looks so crestfallen like he just remembered he's dating the biggest idiot in the universe_

_so yeah I finally met Derek's mum and dad and I was wearing a "your mom is my other ride" shirt._

 

_Scott?_

_why don't you say nothing?_

**_sorry too busy screenshoting this_ **

_what  
_

**_I'm filing away all your humiliations for later use_ **

_OH WE'RE DOING BLACKMAIL NOW ARE WE  
_

_**I'm just the archivist of your life**  
_

_**in case you wanna write an autobiography of something** _

_**you could title it "A life of failures"** _

_go die  
_

**_so what happened next?_ **

_well  
_

_I pretended everything was normal and tried not to look at Derek's mom in the eyes_

_so now they basically think their son is dating some sort of shifty-eyed redneck trucker who writes erotica  
_

_cause yeah Peter told them what I was doing when they asked_

_and yeah_

_they didn't look impressed  
_

_even when I said I would send them a copy_

**_do you really want them to read your fantasy of their own son in greasy overalls bending over cars_ **

**_with his, and I quote, "manly buttocks" in full view_ **

_ah_

_mh_

_it may not be as good an idea as I formerly thought_

**_I agree with this statement_ **

_but if I don't send them anything they'll think I can't hold my word  
_

_crap they will never agree to me marrying him  
_

**_WAIT A MINUTE  
_ **

**_YOU WANT TO MARRY HIM?_ **

_well now that it's legal everywhere in our beautiful country_

_why the heck not  
_

**_JUST BECAUSE YOU COULD DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD_ **

_why are you freaking out_

_we've been together for like a year now and it's going really well_

_might as well seal the deal before he realizes I bamboozled him somehow_

_like it's not gonna get any better than that for me_

_I mean he's Mr Muscles but with a good brain_

_oh yeah and I love him_

**_he does looks a bit like mr muscles_ **

**_less superman-y_ **

_NOT THE POINT  
_

_I want you to be my best man  
_

**_dude he didn't even say yes yet_ **

**_like does he even wanna get married_ **

**_that's like a huge step_ **

_hey don't project your fears of commitment on him  
_

**_I'm not projecting anything seriously dude_ **

**_like did he drop hints?_ **

_I dunno  
_

_he likes my grilled cheese_

_and I've been squatting at his place for like three months now_

_we basically live together_

**_yeah, FOR THREE MONTHS_ **

_DUDE YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE SUPPORTIVE  
_

**_I'M NOT A BRA_ **

**_I'M SUPPOSED TO TELL YOU WHEN YOU RUSH THINGS_ **

_I hate it when you're the voice of reason  
_

**_it's so rare you should enjoy_ **

_yeah_

_I never quite know who's the brain of the outfit with us srsly  
_

_like sometimes you have strikes of genius but overall you're kinda useless_

_and for me I'm really smart but I always end up in stupid situations_

_but I still have the best lines_

**_I still think you would be the sidekick_ **

_WHY_

**_because I am the athletically competent one_ **

_INJUSTICE **  
**_

**_you can come to the gym with me you know_ **

_I'D RATHER BE EATEN ALIVE BY PRAIRIE DOGS  
_

**_okay that's not possible they don't even eat meat_ **

**_but they're real cute thought_ **

**_yeah_ **

**_JUST LOOK AT THEM_ **

**_ _ **

**_DON'T YOU WANT TO SNUGGLE IT_ **

**_LOOK THIS ONE IS TELLING A SECRET TO HIS FRIEND  
_ **

**_ _ **

_about how Scott McCall is a stupid ass?  
_

**_no they are decent animals who don't swear in society_ **

_this conversation is going in so many directions  
_

_suddenly, prairie dogs_

_wait why are they called dogs if they're basically squirrels mixed with marmots_

**_the French called them that so we copied_ **

_THE FRENCH AGAIN_

_but why would they call them that_

**_they bark_ **

_they bark.  
_

**_yes_ **

_well parrots can talk and we didn't call them sky humans  
_

**_look I dunno_ **

**_you can go dig out the 18th century frenchman who called them that and ask him yourself_ **

_why so sore Scott  
_

_plus I can't practice necromancy yet_

_penny dreadful lied_

_apparently it's not just about science fluids and storms_

**_no shit_ **

_hey do you think dr frankenstein is hot_

_cause he totally is_

_I would let him touch my insides_

**_I'm so tired_ **

**_but anyway_ **

**_back to you marrying mr perfect_ **

**_I'm all for it but apparently his parents hate you and you don't even know if he wants to marry anyone_ **

**_so you know_ **

**_maybe talk about it first_ **

**_before popping the question_ **

**_AND FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY_ **

**_DON'T FUCKING DO IT IN A PUBLIC SETTING_ **

_I wasn't going to  
_

**_I KNOW YOU STILES STILINSKI_ **

**_you were probably gonna do it at Disney Land or at a fancy restaurant_ **

**_like put the ring in champagne or some bullshit like that_ **

_you wound me  
_

_I'm not THAT corny_

**_you so are_ **

_well sorry to be a romantic at heart_

_**please don't write him a poem you know how this usually goes**  
_

_I never wrote a poem for anyone what are you talking about?  
_

**_"Think of a bee_ **

**_You are its knees"_ **

_OKAY HOLD UP HOW DO YOU EVEN REMEMBER THIS TRAIN WRECK  
_

**_how could I ever forget  
_ **

_sometimes I regret having known you for so long  
_

_you remember all the stupid shit I did before becoming the amazing young man that I am now_

**_you mean the guy who wears "my other ride is your mom" shirts when meeting his boyfriend's parents for the first time?_ **

**_and then wants to ask his boyfriend to marry him?_ **

**_when they never ever talked about it?_ **

**_this amazing guy?_ **

_okay shut up we're all works in progress  
_

_at least I don't loose my shit over prairie rodents_

**_BUT THEY ARE SO CUTE HOW CAN YOU NOT_ **

**_LOOK AT THIS BABY HE'S SO FLUFFY_ **

**_ _ **

_Scott_

_do you love animals more than mankind_

**_YES HOW COULD I NOT JUST LOOK AT THEM_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The poem extract is actually shamelessly lifted from the summer girlfriend episode of Black Books, which is genius.


	14. TV Tropes will ruin your life (and make your friends hate you)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stiles wants Derek's parents to like him. Scott is Mr Crankypants.

_Scotty my man_

_**yeah?** _

_I'm in a crisis  
_

_**should I be worried?** _

_probably_

_as I am now surrounded by the dark clouds of despair_

_**really.** _

_**you do know** **clouds can't**_ _**technically** _ _**surround you** _

_**unless you're on top of a really high mountain or something** _

_**and then it would probably just look like mist** _

_would you just shut up  
_

_**yes** _

_so_

_I will ignore this and go on  
_

**_oh yes please_ **

**_the suspense in unbearable_ **

**_make it stop_ **

_you know how you told me to wait for marriage_

**_is this my fault_ _now_ **

_so I like_

_thought about my relationship with Derek_

**_oh good gracious_ **

_and_

_I am_

_I am his fucking manic pixie dream girl_

_seriously dude_

_I check all the boxes_

_how did I not realize it sooner_

**_oh mercy me_ **

 

**_wait_ **

**_have you been reading tv tropes again_ **

**_that's it isn't it_ **

**_you know how you get when you read it_ **

**_what did we agree on last time?_ **

_don't click on all the links  
_

**_and?_ **

_no more than 5 pages a day  
_

**_and?_ **

_don't apply it to your own life  
_

**_exactly_ **

**_so now be a good boy and go enjoy your relationship_ **

_more like relationtitanic oh look there's the iceberg  
_

_he's gonna dump me anytime now  
_

_he will open up to life and realize that yes, he needs to go find his first love again  
_

_who left him when she decided to go build schools on the moon or something_

_and they will live happily ever after_

**_what the hell are you talking about_ **

_MY LIFE  
_

**_look_ **

**_even if it was true_ **

**_one_ **

**_didn't his first love burned down his house or whatever?_ **

**_and two_ **

**_derek will never "open up to life"_ **

**_whatever that means_ **

**_he's like cynicism and dissatisfaction made flesh_ **

**_he will never go bungee-jump or get into petty crimes or dye his hair an unnatural color or kiss you laughing in the rain_ **

**_no matter how many crazy shit you might do in his vicinity  
_ **

**_so you know  
_ **

**_you might act like a manic pixie dream-girl_**

**_but you're like the most inefficient one, ever  
_ **

_I guess I should be pretty pissed with how you described future Mr Stilinski but allrighty_

_he is Tall, Dark and Snarky after all_

**_is this another trope_ **

**_is that why you're using capitals letters_ **

_I feel better actually  
_

_thanks for being here_

_we're like Bash Brothers_

**_I'm not doing this_ **

 

**_wait he is gonna take your name?_ **

_he better  
_

_Stiles Hale sounds like shit_

_we lose the alliteration of the greater Stiles Stilinski_

_oh god_

**_what_ **

_it's a trope again  
_

_Alliterative Name_

**_you close your damn computer right now sonny_ **

_okay dad calm down  
_

 

_oh my_

_I'm not his Manic Pixie Dream Girl  
_

_I'm his Lancer_

_I DON'T KNOW WHICH ONE IS WORST_

**_ARE YOU STILL READING THIS FREAKING WEBSITE_ **

**_dude I might have to take your internet away again_ **

**_that's not something I want_ **

**_but if I have to_ **

**_I will_ **

_NO BUT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND  
_

_I DON'T WANNA BE A TROPE_

_dude_

_am I your Pet Homosexual?_

**_oh christ  
_ **

**_remember the snake people crisis of 2012?_ **

_yes_

**_yeah it started exactly like this_ **

**_so now you shut down this godforsaken wiki of hell before I'm forced to take action_ **

**_I'm not living through this again_ **

_okay_

_but you need to help me with my Obnoxious In-Laws_

_I'm afraid they'll turn into Love-Obstructing Parents_

_and I cannot let that stand_

**_there is a trope for everything isn't there_ **

_yes_

_there is one for that too_

**_tv tropes will ruin your life?_ **

_how did you know?  
_

**_just a hunch_ **

 

_so_

**_what?_ **

_you know  
_

_they're coming for dinner in like 12 minutes_

_again_

_I convinced derek_

**_okay_ **

_come on  
_

_what should I do to make them love me_

_and don't give me none of that "just be yourself" bullshit_

_I was being myself_

_and being myself is wearing stupid shirts and making snarky comments_

_they don't like those_

**_which shirt are you wearing right now?_ **

_a cool one don't worry  
_

**_yeah I do_ **

**_which one?_ **

_the "say hey if you're gay" one  
_

**_okay go change_ **

_fml_

 

_okay I'm wearing a boring flannel shirt now  
_

**_good_ **

_is being boring what parents like?  
_

**_probably_ **

_peter told me the dad likes jurassic park  
_

_I like jurassic park too_

_maybe I should talk about that_

**_why not_ **

_I think they're here  
_

**_good luck_ **

**_don't try to be funny  
_ **

_I will stick to jurassic park_

 

_yeah okay it didn't go as planned_

**_what did you do_ **

_nothing!_

_I was being the perfect gentleman while talking about jurassic park_

_and then they were gone_

_and derek asked me_

_"why the hell did you spend the night talking about dinosaurs"_

_and I was like_

_well your dad likes jurassic park_

_and guess what_

**_he does not_ **

_yeah he so does not  
_

_so I got mad and asked him why he didn't try to change the subject_

**_he did try_ **

_yes_

_he kept trying_

_multiple times_

_but yeah_

_I kept coming back to jurassic park_

_that's how I ended up talking about the social darwinism subtext in Jurassic Park_

**_there's a social darwinism subtext is jurassic park?_ **

_well_

_some would disagree_

**_by some do you mean everyone?_ **

_it was a CATASTROPHE_

_THEY LEFT EARLY_

_THEY HATE ME_

**_I already told you_ **

**_everyone hates you at first_ **

**_you're like_ **

**_acquired taste_ **

_I don't know how to feel about that  
_

**_good, you're supposed to feel good_ **

**_all is not lost_ **

**_at least you were decently dressed_ **

_about that  
_

**_oh no_ **

_yeah..._

_I forgot all my jeans were in the wash_

_so I was wearing hot pants_

**_you were wearing hot pants_ **

_yes_

**_of course you were_ **

**_why did I even ask_ **

_:'D_

**_you know what_ **

**_I give up_ **

**_you're neither a lancer nor a manic pixie dream girl_ **

**_YOU'RE A FUCKING CLOUDCUCKOOLANDER_ **

_I FUCKING KNEW IT  
_

_YOU MONGREL_

_YOU READ IT TOO_

_**YOU RUINED MY LIFE** _


	15. That's the way (uh-huh uh-huh)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Laura's wedding and Stiles is looking great.  
> Isaac's actually useful,  
> and something big happens.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This thing has no continuity whatsoever but WHO CARES  
> I don't know what's with me and Stiles' outfits, but there it is again.  
> Two updates in two days I'm on fire my friends.

**_why do you look like an extra in a Dead or Alive music video?_ **

_I'm trying to be classy don't cramp my style_

**_there's no style to cramp_ **

 

**_srsly I can't take my eyes off of you_ **

**_that's way too much leather for just one person_ **

_**is that the way you like it?** _

_uh-huh uh-huh_

 

**_are you ignoring me?_ **

_**that's MY prerogative** _

 

**_are you keeping your body strong_ **

 

**_seriously are we shooting a nazis-theme gay porn later_ **

_**'cause I'm so not ready for this thing to break out into an orgy** _

_shaddup_

_derek's parents are gonna be there and I need to look good_

**_in what world looking like pete burns mitt cher is considered "looking good" outside of the 80s_ **

_I was going for a smart yet sexy look_

**_well I'm glad to tell you you missed both by many miles_ **

 

**_at least you're not in short shorts  
_ **

**_but I think I can see your whole dick through that pants if I squint a bit_ **

**_seriously how did you get in them_ **

**_baby powder?_ **

_if you're not going to be supportive you might as well stay quiet  
_

**_I think you can't handle more support_ **

**_without cutting off your blood circulation I mean_ **

_why is isaac laughing  
_

**_he saw you_ **

_ha ha  
_

_remind me why you came_

**_to see you fail_ **

 

**_it's actually your boyfriend's fault_ **

**_he's the one who invited me to the wedding  
_ **

**_also free cocktails_ **

**_and Laura in a dress_ **

 

**_but_ _I'm glad I came_ **

**_there's this guy in leather_ **

**_he's spinning me round_ **

_I hate you_

 

**_speaking of derek_ **

**_where is he_ **

_he's the groomsman so he's with the groom  
_

**_shouldn't he be his sister's maid of honor_ **

_you're so funny I'm going to choke  
_

**_in that tight a shirt I'm not surprised_ **

_IT'S NOT THAT TIGHT  
_

**_well you almost brained the cocktail guy with your nipples_ **

**_so you know_ **

_GO AWAY_

**_I'm not even on your side of the room yet_ **

_FUCK OFF  
_

**_don't swear it's a wedding_ **

 

**_the ceremony was beautiful_ **

_it was wasn't it  
_

_**I was a bit moved  
** _

_**Isaac has a question though** _

_yeah?_

**_he wants to know how you were able to sit down for that long without breathing  
_ **

_FUCK OFFFFFFFFFF  
_

**_how rude_ **

_DEREK LIKES IT_

**_you mean inside or outside of the bedroom?_ **

_I can't win can I  
_

**_we love you_ **

 

_are you dancing with Isaac_

**_yes_ **

_why didn't you come with Kira  
_

_**I came with Isaac  
** _

_with or on?  
_

**_you disgust me_ **

 

_**where are you** _

_**stiles?** _

_**yo dude** _

 

_**okay where are you srsluyyyyyyyy** _

_**heheheheheheh** _

_**stiles** _

_**i calllled u  
** _

 

_**STILES** _

_**ur missing out** _

_**isaac's belly dancing** _

_**it's MAGNIFICENT** _

_**i'm recording it** _

_**ALL OF IT** _

 

_**are you doin the do** _

_**with derekkkkk** _

_**im tellin his dad** _

 

_**hahahaha told them i was ur friendd** _

_**they looove meee** _

_**tis cool that im a vet** _

_**i dont think they hate you as much i you think they hate you** _

_**phew twas hard to type** _

 

_**stiiiiiiles** _

 

_**im sorry i critisizede your outfit** _

_**u look gr8** _

_**u got nice hair** _

 

_**T-T** _

_**looOoonely** **  
** _

_**I'm so looOOoonely** _

_**I got nobody** _

_**ooOOooon my ooooown** _

_**ooOOOOOoOoooOh** _

_**wow Isaac can really hit those high notes** _

 

_**IT'S KARAOKE TIEM** _

 

_**i miss youuuu** _

 

_are you drunk_

**_yes I am tis a wedding_ **

_**where were you**  
_

_I was busy_

_**sucking cock?** _

_you're so gross  
_

**_I knoooo_ **

_I was busy  
_

_getting ENGAGED_

_HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA_

_YOU ASSHOLE_

_I WAS RIGHT_

_HE DOTH LOVETH ME_

**_WHAAAAAT_ **

**_wait I'm too drunk for this  
_ **

**_so he's not gonna give you up?_ **

_no_

**_he's not gonna let you down?_ **

**_he's not gonna run around and desert you?_ **

_are you singing rick astley?  
_

**_imnot singingigning_ **

_I can hear you from where I stand_

_what's with you and the 80s tonight_

**_WHERE ARE YOU I NEED TO HUG YOU_ **

_**CONGRATULATIONS YOU MAGNIFICENT BASTARD** _

 

_did you get home alright?  
_

_scott?_

_you alright?_

**_hey it's isaac scott's sleeping I got him home_ **

**_I'm staying the night also_  
**

**_congratulations on getting derek to marry you_ **

_when you phrase it like that it sounds like I bamboozled him or something_

**_haha_ **

_though I do think his sister's getting hitched may have gotten to his head a bit  
_

**_is that where you get all doubtful and worried and stuff_ **

_what?_

**_no 'cause if you are I'll wake up scott and let him deal with it_ **

_you're not good with people are you_

**_haha_ **

**_yeah not so much_ **

_well thanks for taking care of scott  
_

**_yeah_ **

_did I really looked like I belonged in dead or alive  
_

**_yeah_ **

**_but it suited you_ **

**_you got a nice butt_ **

_thanks_

_I guess_

**_:D_ **

 

**_hey  
_ **

**_derek's not the type of guy to make big decisions in the spur of the moment_ **

**_he must have been thinking about it for a while_ **

_**don't worry about it too much** _

_oh  
_

**_what?_ **

_that was actually pretty good_

_more that scott usual pep talks  
_

_you didn't even insult me_

_I can see why he loves you_

_maybe_

**_haha_ **

**_thanks?_ **

_hey can you do me a favor  
_

**_maybe?_ **

_can you delete what I just said  
_

_cause like_

_he's a baby_

**_yeah_**

**_I think he's half in love with you_ **

_maybe_

**_but I'm still his man-crush_ **

_SO YOU KNOW  
_

**_yeah_ **

**_I've been milking it_ **

_you little shit_

**_yeah :D_ **

_you stole his girlfriend  
_

**_not really_ **

**_they weren't really together anymore_ **

_yeah he loved you more than he did her at that point  
_

**_;D_ **

_well take care  
_

_of him too_

**_yeah he's my best friend_ **

_yeah? cause I'm his  
_

**_are you getting territorial over this asshat_ **

_he is an asshat isn't he  
_

**_yeah_ **

 

_hey do you want a cool shirt?  
_

**_sure?_ **

_you like monster trucks?  
_

**_I guess so?_ **

_great  
_

_big things coming your way_

**_I'm a bit afraid??_ **

_don't be  
_

_ah yeah_

_scott's real grumpy when he's hungover so just stuff him with water and fizzy-good when he wakes up  
_

**_fizzy-good?_ **

**_oh_ **

**_alka-seltzer?_ **

_yeah  
_

_well_

_thanks for tonight!_

_and I'll see you soon! gtg now!  
_

_derek's cock not gonna suck itself!_

**_that was way more information than I needed???_ **


	16. Put a title here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stiles go to a book signing in Welsh, and comes back. It didn't really go as planned.  
> He doesn't like dogs anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yoooooo it's been so long my friends, is anybody even remembering this thing exist?
> 
> /!\ a rat dies

_YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO_

**_YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO_ **

**_DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDE_ **

**_YOU'RE BAAAAAAACK_ **

_I'M BAAAAAAACK_

**_HOW WAS_ **

**_THAT PLAce you were at_ **

_Llantwit Major_

**_yeah whatevs_ **

**_how was it_ **

_it was major_

_see what I did thar_

**_ar ar ar_ **

**_hilarious_ **

_I kno  
_

**_well?_ **

_well_

_what to say  
_

_there was a sea_

**_okay_ **

_some boats  
_

**_riveting_ **

_some people on the boats  
_

_and_

_well streets and buildings too_

**_seems exciting_ **

_somehow  
_

_I doubt your sincerity_

**_I don't know what makes you say that_ **

_don't you tho  
_

**_how was the book signing?_ **

**_and the bookshop?_ **

_I'm not sure  
_

**_what do you mean you're not sure_ **

**_weren't you there_ **

_well_

_about that_

 

**_did you  
_ **

**_what did you do_ **

**_did you miss your own book signing_ **

**_the book signing you crossed half the damn globe for_ **

_well_

_something akin to that might have happened somehow  
_

_to some extent_

**_to what extent_ **

_to the extent that we might have somehow kinda you know  
_

**_no I don't?_ **

_do I need to spell everything out for you  
_

**_apparently?_ **

_WELL OKAY IF YOU'RE THAT STUPID  
_

 

**_dude it's been 10 minutes you're not sending anything_ **

_what are you talking about  
_

**_WHAT HAPPENED AT THE DAMN BOOK SIGNING_ **

_nothing happened at the book signing dude  
_

_stop being rude_

**_is nothing happening at the book signing somehow related to the fact that there was no book signing to begin with because you fuCKING MISSED THE DAMN BOOK SIGNING_ **

_well see  
_

_I'm offended  
_

**_HOW DID THAT EVEN HAPPENED_ **

**_WEREN'T THERE PEOPLE TO PLAN THINGS_ **

**_WHAT DID YOU DO FOR TWO WEEKS_ **

_touristy stuff_

**_tell me what happened_ **

**_I'm calling you_ **

_NO_

_THE DRIVER CAN'T HEAR_

**_is it that bad_ **

_sorta maybe_

**_spill_ **

_okay_

_well_

_it somehow started when me and Kira missed the plane_

**_how do you "somehow" miss a plane_ **

_well if you HAVE to know everything_

_somehow one of us forgot their bags in the cab_

_so then we had to call the cab company and everything_

_that got us a bit late._

_**it was you wasn't it** _

_do you have to point out all my flaws?_

_I'm breaking up with you._

**_ha ha._ **

**_then what happened?_ **

  _well_

_then Kira was kinda panicky_

_so we ran_

_but then apparently_

_she's a bit dyslexic_

_cause_

_we were at platform 12_

_and it was supposed to be 21_

_so there was that_

_so you see it's not ENTIRELY my fault  
_

**_because you couldn't check by yourself on those TVs they have_ **

_what TVs_

**_you know_ **

**_where they put what flight you're supposed to get to_ **

**_at the airport_ **

_the airport?  
_

_what airport_

_we weren't at the airport yet_

**_what_ **

**_where the fuck were you_ **

_at the train station to get to the airport_

**_so first you took a bus_ **

**_to go meet Kira to take a cab together_ **

**_to then take a train_ **

**_to go take an airplane_ **

**_you're just missing a boat and you have a full bingo card_ **

_this does seem overly complicated when you put it like this  
_

**_DOES IT_ **

_it was supposed to save money_

**_DID IT_ **

_not really  
_

_we missed the train so we had to buy new tickets_

_then we were too late to take the plane_

_so new tickets again_

**_okay let's fast forward a bit or I need to make popcorn or some shit_ **

**_when you got there_ **

**_what happened_ **

_well_

_since we were late we missed the guy they had sent to get us_

_so then we had to find our own way to Llantwit Major_

_which proved to be a bit complicated_

**_somehow I'm not surprised_ **

_hey_

_come on_

_give me some credit_

**_dude you missed your own book signing_ **

_STOP REHASHING THE PAST SCOTT  
_

_IT'S NOT HEALTHY_

_plus it wasn't our fault_

_their signalization is overly complicated_

_**sure jan** _

_don't meme me_

**_...._ **

_don't use the passive-aggressive dots on me  
_

**_I wish I could capitalize dots_ **

**_ANYWAY why couldn't you find this damn city_ **

_BECAUSE_

_like_

_not to be overly american or anything_

_but have you heard those people talk_

_half the time I couldn't understand shit_

_so yeah_

_I asked help from a guy and_

_he said he would get us there_

**_oh that's nice  
_ **

_yeah_

_so he put us in his van_

**_in his van_ **

_shut up  
_

**_not saying anything  
_ **

_I hear you thinking it from here  
_

_so yeah_

_he put us in his van_

_us and four of his dogs_

**_you like dogs_ **

_yeah_

_dogs_

_not small horses somehow shaped like dogs_

_srsly I don't know what he did to get those things but it might have involved opening the gates of hell_

_ANYWAY_

_we spend two hours getting smothered by those unholy things_

_AND THEN_

_HE FUCKING STOPS_

_to get a hitchhiker_

_WHO EVEN HITCHHIKES THESE DAYS_

_WITH ALL THOSE CRAZY SERIAL KILLERS RUNNING AROUND_

_I WILL TELL YOU WHO_

_A FUCKING CRAZY HIPPIE WITH RATS IN HIS GODDAMN SMELLY JACKET THAT'S WHO_

**_aren't you a bit uptight_ **

**_rats are cool_ **

_NOT WITH HELLHORSES IN THE VICINITY  
_

_the cerberuses got all excited by the rats_

_so excited one of them started humping my damn leg_

_I ALMOST DIED_

_SERISOUSLY_

**_I'm very serisous right now_ **

_so while I'm getting humped to death the dude just laugh and he had ROTTEN YELLOW TEETH it was a nightmare_

**_aren't you exaggerating a little_ **

_I HAVE A HORSE DICK IMPRINTED ON MY LEG_

_I COULD JUST GO AROUND SAYING IT'S A TATTOO BY NOW_

_AND YOU KNOW WHAT_

**_no but the suspense is killing me_ **

_KIRA FUCKING STOMPED ON ONE OF THE RATS  
_

**_WHAT_ **

_SHE KILLED THE THING  
_

_SHE WAS TRYING TO GET AWAY FROM ONE OF THE SPAWN OF EVIL_

_AND SHE CRUSHED A RAT_

_UNDER HER BOOT_

_DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH STUFF THERE IS IN A RAT_

_BECAUSE I DO NOW_

_AND IT'S_

_A LOT_

**_dude that's animal cruelty_ **

_IT WAS AN ACCIDENT SHE WAS TRYING TO SAVE HERSELF  
_

_so Kira was just standing there, traumatized, and the guy was whimpering_

_and then_

_one of satan's lapdog started EATING THE DAMN THING_

_RIGHT THERE_

_IN FRONT OF ITS OWNER_

_SO THE DIRTY HIPPIE STARTS WRESTLING WITH CUJO TO GET HIS RAT BACK_

_IT WAS HELLISH_

_EVERYBODY WAS SCREAMING_

**_why does this always happens to you_ **

_I'm sorry but I've only once seen the beast of gevaudan devour a recently-crushed rat while hygiene issues mcgee tries to wrestle its bloody corpse from the jaws of hell itself  
_

**_seemed pretty intense_ **

_so intense the guy who took all of us in just threw all of us out_

_so like_

_the guy was cradling his dead rat and crying on the side of the road_

_I could barely walk because my leg was basically in another realm altogether_

_Kira was still shell-shocked from killing a living creature_

_and then it started to rain because of course._

**_what did you do?_ **

_well OBVIOUSLY nobody was gonna pick us up with a smelly guy covered in blood in tow  
_

_and I had no phone service  
_

_so like_

_we walked to the nearest settlement_

**_settlement?_ **

_it took four goddamn hours_

_and when we arrived there was like, an info point with a map and a you are here sticker_

**_and were where you?_ **

_hell if I know  
_

_but we were definitely on the wrong side of the country_

_so there was that_

**_this keeps getting better_ **

_not really  
_

_we had to find a place to stay cause it was getting late_

_so this was more money lost_

**_why did you stayed the two weeks_ **

**_I mean_ **

**_you went over budget in the first two hours of your trip_ **

_we calculated we would actually save 10$ is we stayed the two weeks as planned instead of changing the plane ticket  
_

**_did you guys book first class without insurance_ **

_the company felt rich  
_

_and_

_well_

**_confident?_ **

_yeah_

_**and** **now they are poor and insecure?**  
_

_I'm so tired. I might cry._

_this trip was the worst_

**_because there's more?_ **

_yeah_

_but I'm almost home_

_I'll call you later and we can meet up_

_after I sleep_

_for at least seventeen hours_

**_:'D_ **

 

 

_MY DAD GOT A FREAKING IRISH WOLFHOUND  
_

_WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME_

**¯\\_** _**(ツ)_/¯** _

_I NEED A BREAK FROM DOGSSSSSS_


	17. Happy New Artificially Conceived Time Mesurement

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Something happens on new year's eve that might or might not destroy Scott's social standing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this was supposed to be posted way earlier but I couldn't get around to finish it.  
> It's still January thought, let's say it's okay.

  _Soooo happy new year?_

**_Why is there an interrogation point?_ **

_Already so suspicious in the morning  
_

_You'll die young my friend_

**_why is the word friend so close to fiend?_ **

_are you trying to insult me in a convoluted yet slightly impressive way?  
_

**_it depends if it's working or not_ **

_I'll say yes, I'm in a good mood  
_

**_that makes one of us  
_ **

_are you still mad about the new year party  
_

**_what party_ **

_look I'm sorry about what happened  
_

**_I don't know what you are talking about_ **

_look you need to face it head on  
_

_relieve the trauma_

_and then exorcise it_

**_I'm more a partisan of ignoring something until it eventually goes away_ **

_but then ten years from now on  
_

_you'll probably remember it_

_like right in the middle of sexy times with Sandra  
_

_or when you're tucking Kevin in bed after he had a nightmare_

_and you will be like_

**_who are these people_ **

_your wife and son  
_

_she's an interior designer and your kid is good at science_

_like the kid who designed a clock but with less racism_

_ANYWAY_

_right when you're sliding in between the sheets_

_ready to fall asleep after a long day of work at the animal hospital_

_where you saved Shirley's bulldog who had been ran over by a car_

_and successfully convinced her to press charges_

**_who's shirley_ **

_she'll become your mistress after the trial against David Prescott  
_

**_but I love my wife why would I get a mistress_ **

**_and who's david_ **

_david is the rich business man who owns the town  
_

_he's a dickhead_

_thanks to this lawsuit about the dog they'll discover he has ties to the mafia_

_because the car he ran it over with belongs to Freddy Campo_

**_a kingpin?_ **

_exactly_

_so after that shirley falls in love with you_

_and since things are not going so well with sandra_

_(she thinks you're married to your job)_

_you let yourself be seduced by shirley_

_she's got this wild side you've been missing in your life_

**_I hope sandra won't discover it_ **

**_I don't want kevin to suffer through a divorce_ **

_nah don't worry you'll eventually work it out  
_

_and sandra will be taken out by the mafia anyway_

_she'll die in your arms_

_**dude that's brutal  
** _

_yeah  
_

_this experience will change you and you'll realize how fleeting life is_

_and you have to cherish what you love while it's there_

_so you'll go back to your wife and start spending more time with your family_

_in the end_

_sandra's sacrifice will help you achieve true happiness_

**_wow_ **

**_that's beautiful_ **

**_I can't wait_ **

_yeah_

_but anyway_

_before all that_

_because you refused to relieve the traumatic experience of new years eve 2016 when your best friend (me) urged you to_

_every other day while you're drifting off to sleep_

_you'll wake up with a jerk_

_mortified_

_remembering that time where you burproted all over Kira  
_

**_burproted?_ **

_burping and projectile vomiting at the same time  
_

_Isaac invented it_

**_I bet he's real proud_ **

_you have no idea  
_

**_that would be funny if I didn't want to die_ **

_aw COME ON  
_

_it's not that bad_

**_isn't it?_ **

**_I mean if someone did that to me I'll probably never see them again_ **

**_and remember them as the single most disgusting human being I ever met_ **

_you're harsh  
_

_it happens to everybody_

**_does it?_ **

**_does it really?_ **

**_I'm pretty sure you never projectile vomited on anybody_ **

_dude don't you remember when I barfed on derek's shoes_

_okay it wasn't full on projectile vomit_

_but it just makes it more magnificent_

_at least you committed to it you know_

_it just proves you're a man of values_

_never doing anything half-assed_

**_that almost makes me feel better_ **

_see_

_it's not that bad_

_have you talked to her?_

**_to say what?_ **

**_sorry I burped in your face and then covered you in half-digested food expelled from my stomach at high velocity?_ **

**_no thank you_ **

_you're really making it sound awful  
_

**_HOW CAN YOU MAKE IT SOUND ANY OTHER WAY_ **

**_and it's your fault for making me drink all that_ **

**_how weren't you not sick_ **

_I'm Irish so I can handle huge amount of alcohol_

**_you're not Irish_ **

_I so am  
_

**_you're so not_ **

**_have you read your name  
_ **

**_it's at least polish_ **

_oh come on  
_

_you know I have a little Irish in me_

**_I thought you had a big american_ **

_did you  
_

_did you just punned me_

**_I might have_ **

_so you're not as depressed as I thought  
_

_**it's the last spark of light before the darkness** _

_slow down there edgar poe  
_

_anyway I really think you should text Kira_

_at least apologize you know_

_you were waiting for something to break the glass_

_the glass is as broken as it's ever gonna get_

_she's already intimate with your insides_

_now ride the puke-wave_

_you've got nothing to lose_

_you already emptied your stomach_

**_stop it with the vomit allusions_ **

_alright_

_but text her_

_you need to apologize_

**_yeah yeah_ **

 

_**hi I wanted to apologize for what happened I'm deeply sorry and please send me your dry-cleaning bill** _

 

_**DUDE SHE DIDN'T ANSWER** _

_when did you send the text?  
_

**_just now_ **

_she's not a robot  
_

**_how do you know  
_ **

**_wait how is that relevent_ **

**_DUDE NVM SHE ANSWERED I'M SCARED TO READ  
_ **

_..aaand here we go  
_

 

it's okay it was just a ratty tee-shirt and jeans

 

_**she wasn't wearing a dress?** _

_no  
_

**_why is she wearing a dress in my memories?_ **

_because you're stupid?_

_how should I know  
_

 

are you okay? You were really sick.

 

_**SHE'S ASKING ME IF I'M OKAY** _

_yeah  
_

_maybe because she's a normal human being and she knows you didn't do it on purpose_

**_I'm asking if she needs help sorting through the emotional trauma_ **

 

**_do you need help sorting through the emotional trauma?  
_ **

no that's okay I took a really long shower and then talked to a psychiatrist for five hours

 

**_I can't tell if she's traumatized or just laughing at me  
_ **

_title of your sex tape  
_

**_stop watching brooklyn nine nine_ **

_I wanna be a cop now  
_

 

**_I'm really sorry_ **

It's okay it's not like people don't barf on me all the time

_**really?** _

yes

OF COURSE NOT

but it's okay I know you were really drunk and it was an accident and so on

**_so you don't hate me or find me the most disgusting person on earth?_ **

well I haven't met everyone yet so I can't give a truthful answer

but no I forgive you

it was super gross but also kinda funny

tbh I would have laughed about it if I wasn't the one getting barfed on

 

**_dude this is going surprisingly well_ **

_seriously?_

**_yeah_ **

_wow I thought for sure she wouldn't want to talk to you anymore  
_

_that's amazing_

**_YOU ASSHOLE YOU SAID IT WASN'T THAT SERIOUS_ **

_yeah but that's cause I'm a good friend and I was trying to lift your spirits  
_

_dude you barfed all over her it was disgusting_

_how can she let it slide_

_either she really likes you or she's into some weird shit_

**_wth_ **

_I mean she does work for an erotic novel company and they publish some weird kinky stuff  
_

**_dude they publish you_ **

**_mainly_ **

**_like 90% of their stuff_ **

**_is just you_ **

**_your own kinky shit_ **

_I know right  
_

_I'm a kinky bastard_

**_damnit stiles_ **

_¯\\_(ツ)_/¯_

**_OKAY BACK TO WHat's actually interesting  
_ **

**_waddu i du_ **

_ask her out  
_

**_seriously_ **

_yeah dude  
_

_I'm telling you_

_you barf on a girl and she stills talks to you_

_that's love right there_

_gross, stinky love_

_but love nonetheless_

_you go glen coco_

**_if this backfires you're next_ **

 

**_I feel like I should apologize in person_ **

**_like over dinner sometime_ **

**_if you feel like it?_ **

 

**_dude that was so motherfucking smooth_ **

_when you said "I'm next" do you mean you're gonna barf on me  
_

_like you're a serial offender and your trademark if an awful digestive system_

_you would make the worst supervillain ever_

 

I don't see why not

I'm free Thursday if it's okay with you?

 

_**DUDE SHE SAID OKAY** _

_what  
_

_how_

_did you trick her somehow_

**_no I just said I wanted to apologize over dinner and she said yes_ **

_free food  
_

_it must be it_

_the prospect of free food was too tempting_

**_that's harsh come on_ **

**_you barfed on derek's shoes and he still went out with you_ **

_correction: we were already going out when I barfed on him  
_

_this is next level_

_you got a girl to go out with you by means of projectile vomit_

_it's unheard of_

_teach me your ways master_

**_I hate you_ **

 

**_great! I'll text you the details later if that's fine with you  
_ **

perfect! See you on thursday then :D

 

_**I'm so happy :D** _

_and I'm seriously amazed I can't get over it  
_

_YOU EMPTIED YOUR STOMACH ON THE GIRL_

**_it broke the glass you said it yourself_ **

_boy oh boy  
_

_must she likes you a whole lot_

_scott ma man_

_don't screw this up_

**_how could I?_ **

**_that's what's beautiful_ **

**_I already barfed on her_ **

**_everything I do from now on will be an upgrade from that  
_ **

**_I can't do wrong!_ **

**_it's perfect_ **

**_best day of my life_ **

**_bless you stiles, you kinky irish bastard_ **

_well  
_

_always here to help_

_happy new year my friend_

**_:DD_ **

**Author's Note:**

> I didn't even bother to put any sort of formating I'm so sorry


End file.
